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March 31, 2005
stronger
i want to be awake at 6:30am. i want to awake, breathe, go to the gym to make myself strong again. every night, i've pushed the time back, putting myself to bed a little earlier. if i find the will to wake up, to get up, early enough, i might catch up with myself, with who i want to be.
i entered the clumsy sport of football, playing in junior high and my first two years of high school, because i knew nothing else. still a child trying to be loved, trying just to win respect, i gave the only things i thought i had to give - my effort, my will, my body.
i entered the solitude of cycling, and there learned to push, to overcome myself, to love the feel of speed, connected to the earth only on two precarious and narrow patches of rubber, to battle myself harder than anyone else ever would, and that's why few ever beat me.
i entered the art of basketball. it taught me to want the ball, taught me not to fear opportunity. i found grace in my body, desire in my heart. where i lack skill and natural talent, i again give anything else i have to give - i move like i shouldn't be able to, i frustrate the 20 year-olds on the courts at UT, i throw myself to the floor, i take the blows, i transmit force of will and belief to my teammates.
i entered the self-denial of distance running. i battled the question of "why" with the peaceful force of "simply do." with my friends, i have discovered a simpler love that is born of shared sacrifice and shared commitment. i have defeated my own illness-weakened body to cross a finish line. i have run, endured, cheered on by the ghost of a friend, the hand hanging limp at my side reaching up to touch her picture over my heart.
i have fallen. there is a storm in my mind, a deadness in my heart. i run, and i feel the panic of drowning, and i don't know if it's the fear of asphyxiation, or an asphyxiating fear. i drop back, struggle not to quit altogether. but i come back, again and again, with the help of my friends, and i run, and i try every time to still the sense of desperation and anxiety; i try to regain the sense of freedom.
i want to be stronger. i want to feel solid and steady in the winds that buffet me without and within. i want my shoulders and arms back. i want to feel my feet brush lightly on the ground beneath, my body sliding smoothly through the air. i want to feel myself rise up to meet the ball, grab it, and not let anyone wrest it away from me, as if it were life and hope themselves.
i want. i want. i will.
Posted by Rob at March 31, 2005 12:08 AM
Comments
Ooooh, I love this one!! I wish I knew them all but I am probably too late for the contest anyway - but I do think I would like an avocado marg. :)
Posted by: Julia (from the LBC) at April 5, 2005 06:36 PM