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March 30, 2005
Bush Proposes Rumsfeld as Papal Successor
WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Bush confirmed Tuesday that he had been examining potential candidates to succeed the ailing Pope John Paul II, and had forwarded Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld's name as the United States' nominee.
The United States, of course, has no input on the selection of popes. The process is a complex system involving old men gathering together in secret and puffs of smoke, which sounds much like American systems of governance, but is entirely different.
The announcement left many pundits nonplussed, given the President's recent bizarre nominations of Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz to the presidency of the World Bank, and John Bolton as U.S. ambassador to the United Nations.
Wolfowitz has been the leading proponent of armed "regime change" since George H.W. Bush's presidency. It is believed that his rise to power is due primarily to his appropriate name and the results of a late-night poker game with late former ex-President Ronald Reagan aboard Air Force One in 1986.
In an attempt to gain credibility, Wolfowitz had two much-publicized conversations with Irish rock star and activist Bono (also known as as "Boner" by Beavis and Butthead fans) on Thursday. Bono was visibly shaken after the last conversation, and was heard by friends to whisper, "He said they'd carpet bomb Dublin next if I wasn't nice to him."
Bolton (yes, that's a new link)has long delighted United Nations fans with his comments about that organization, which include such favorites as: "If the UN secretary building in New York lost 10 stories, it wouldn't make a bit of difference,"; and, "There is no such thing as the United Nations. There is only an international community that occasionally can be led by the only real power in the world, and that is the United States, when it suits our interest and we can get others to go along."
Bolton is no relation to the ridiculously-haired, histrionic singer Michael Bolton, but is said to be "a huge, almost stalker-y fan."
The President's nomination of Rumsfeld leaves analysts pondering what Bush might do next, particularly considering the fact that his increasingly bizarre actions appear to be garnering less and less attention from the American public. Recent polls indicate that 12% of Americans approve of the Wolfowitz nomination, 16% disapprove, and 69% feel, simply, "Meh." The votes of the remaining 3% polled were rejected, as they were later found to be from a handful of dead cats.
In a telephone interview from her massive puffin farm in Alaska, sell-out folk singer turned pop diva Jewel, who is not a licensed psychologist, said, "Basically, we've got a downward spiral of attention-getting behavior from the President, just as you might get from a recalcitrant 2 year-old, or a teenager. He's testing the boundaries of American acceptance and incredulity. The problem is, his behavior is essentially getting no response from the public, other than that movie by that fat guy."
Based on this theory, many pundits believe Bush's next major move will be either a preemptive nuclear attack on Monrovia, which no longer exists, or taking a massive bowel movement on his Oval Office desk on national television. Sources close to the President claim that a third possibility involves a beer bong, Paris Hilton, and a goat, in a live Pay-Per-View event.
Bush aides say other considerations for the nomination to the papacy included Ashton Kutcher, as a way to "punk" the Catholic Church, and Mel Gibson, who was unavailable due to the filming of "The Passion of the Christ II: Resurrected and Lethal."
The Vatican is no longer accepting Bush's calls.
Posted by Rob at March 30, 2005 09:12 AM