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February 15, 2005
hey, karen
Thanks - your email was really nice to get. Yes, that is almost a frighteningly cute baby... I love her hair!
i appreciate your concern that i was too bummed out about the race - i've gotten that from some other people, even though what most people have read is allegedly the heavily-edited, more optimistic version that's a bit more fair to myself.
i also appreciate you noting that i haven't written a new entry in a couple of days. i am the affirmation/validation glutton, you know.
when i wrote sunday's entry, i kind of knew there wouldn't be another one for a while.
there was the fact that i didn't feel good about myself after the race. but the situation wasn't really so simple. i didn't go into it in sunday's entry, because i didn't want to make excuses. in my head, the failure was still primarily one of will, and i didn't want to forgive myself too easily for that. in the days since, with the help of some friends, i've gotten a better perspective. here's some truth - i had been sick for most of the week with a bad sinus infection. i hadn't been able to sleep well for nights, and i was weak all the time. friday i went to the doctor, and he put me on antibiotics. still, that evening, i was weak, couldn't swallow, even had slightly greenish mucousy stuff coming out of my eye, which was kind of grotesquely cool. i was still pretty bad on saturday. but i wanted to run the race, and i felt a bit better on sunday. it was the right thing to do - had i not run, i would always have wondered if i should have.
i started off too fast, and i was seroiusly dehydrated, probably somewhat from the antibiotics. getting to the finish was painful, and for about thirty minutes afterwards, it was kind of scary - i had trouble seeing. it was like the brightness had been turned completely up, and everything was just a glare. i couldn't stand for long, not from fatigue, but because my head felt like it was gone. and i got some weird violent shakes at one point.
despite all that, i felt like i had given up. i was disgusted, and i even gave away the finisher's medal that i first saw people wearing last year, that for some reason i really wanted. the kid looked excited about it, so that's ok.
like i said, i've kinda come to terms with the experience, and even come to appreciate the fact that i endured more than most people would have just to limp across the finish line. but still, i keep going back to those in those last four miles, as i kept trying to urge myself to run, and as i cursed myself when i stopped to walk. there was a pitched argument going on in my head between my will and my doubts. it became a conflict, a questioning of my motivations.
how much was real? was i truly strong, did i truly push myself as far as i could, in good faith, to accomplish what i did? or did i give too much of myself to the pain and fatigue, acknowledge them, even want them, to amplify the martyrdom of persevering? did some part of me want to fail, for any number of self-serving reasons?
all these things swirled through my head. my body was genuinely collapsing and failing, but my mind was, too, reeling about to try to grasp on to one thing, one truth. that, really, is what disturbed me the most.
later, my disappointment was compounded by the simple fact that the race was over. it was like some sort of post-partum depression. preparing for it had really taken a lot of my focus for months, and been more of a distraction than i realized. i'm not through with running at all - i'm just getting started, but i can't, don't want to make it the same i do with everything else - just living from one anticipated event to the next, disregarding the fact that underneath it all, i don't feel good about my life, or sometimes, myself.
i know i keep going through this on the blog, and i keep coming back to a simple faith. i really try to keep that faith up, and i really try to do the practical things to help myself. i try to keep moving, just because. but after a while, more and more, i feel like i'm just moving, and i'm not getting anywhere.
something has to change, something has to result from the effort. i'm not looking for heaven or a pot of gold. i'm not looking for the end to a journey, but just for waypoints, places where one journey leads me, and others begin. but time and miles are continuing to pass, and i'm not reaching those points.
so, all that's to say that i fear that i've written myself into a hole with the blog, coming back repeatedly to this cycle of meaning and meaninglessness. i seem to keep repeating the same things, which could be horribly dull. and when i do, well-intentioned friends do just what they should do - they try to talk me down, they try to help me. what they have to say, even what i anticipate them saying, really does help me.
that's a good thing. but the flip-side is that when i do feel this way, i feel guilty writing about it, expressing where i am at this moment. i'm even afraid that eventually, people will lose interest in me, as an overanalyzing, gloomy person who won't help himself.
i admire julie's blog, and another friend's blog (call her palomita. she knows who she is). they're both as open as they want to be. they work through many of the same issues with what seems to be a greater sense of freedom. granted, palomita seems to write more completely for herself, and is apparently discreet about who gets her blog's address.
but, wanting to be a published writer, and because i am the affirmation/validation glutton, i do want people, lots of people, to read what i write. i want the blog to be something fresh. i want it to either entertain or to at least progress, to develop, not just stay as mired as i am. and there's the rub. i think i have to make a choice about what this is all about.
so here's my blog entry for today. originally, you were to be its only recipient, in response to your email. but the more i wrote, the more this writing itself became caught up in this same conflict. and the same questions in my head from those ugly four miles on sunday reappeared. i want to put this out there. do i want people to know these things about me for the right reasons? do i even feel these things for the right reasons? what is true? and why do i even have to ask that question?
so, there is no neat ending to this lengthy, rambling entry. on the one hand, i've realized lately that this blog isn't just a disjointed series of essays - there is a thread, it does tell the story of a journey i'm on. yes, i battle the same enemies more than once along the way, but each battle is slightly different, and it moves me one step closer either to peace, or to defeat.
still, i feel like i'm going to have to find new directions before i can write again. maybe it'll happen tonight, maybe next week. maybe it'll just be a matter of feeling well again, physically and mentally, and waiting for the next distraction to roll along. then i'll write something about the funny thing that happened in the bathroom, or about things you can do with staplers. and some people will laugh.
but then again, it might be more of the same, which is ok - it's partly what this blog is for, and it's part of the process. the reactions of my friends, whether it's morgan's smart ass comments (luv ya, man) or janay's friendly butt-kickings (luv ya, man, get well soon), or the emails and calls i get from mara or jana or my other friends, are also part of the process. beyond that, some people may not like what i write, some friends may get tired of my crap, but i am trying to get somewhere. and this is just where i am tonight...
Posted by Rob at February 15, 2005 11:27 PM