who wants pudding?

« minimalist result of stupid misreading blog of the day | Main | something different »

January 17, 2005

where i am, part two: just keep swimming

where was i? oh yeah, where i am. look, the past two weeks have been a mess. when i last wrote, i was intending to try to look back and recount some of the important bits, and maybe figure some things out in the process. but that process seems a bit arduous for me now, and no doubt tedious for any readers. and i'm tired - i only want answers, not more analysis.

i just hit an impasse. the problem with change, is that, well, things change, and that can be baffling. i mean, reorientation does involve first disorienting oneself, doesn't it? i talked a good game on new year's eve, saying things that i still believe in, but belief and faith have been difficult lately.

in the last couple of weeks, i began to dislike myself again. i had regained much of the weight i lost last year, and hated how i looked.

i realized that i had simply repeated, once again, the same financial mistakes, when i had yet to, even with help, overcome the consequences of the previous round of mistakes.

it's hurt that a couple of new friendships that i had come to rely on have seemed to disappear without any reason i can discern. i miss their companionship and their warmth.

and, despite of generally taking a more laid-back, take-it-as-it-comes approach to dating, i tire of the repeated failures in that area. even without really trying, i meet a lot of people. i've met an unusual number of people i find myself interested in lately, but time after time, it's been disappointing. i'm still more confident than i've been in my life, but there's a truth in the pattern of those continuing failures, and it's only logical to question myself.

and, i can't talk about rejection without acknowledging a sort of hypocrisy, confessing to being sort of an uncomfortable double-agent for rejection. there are some wonderful, beautiful people that have opened themselves up to me, who, to their credit, haven't stopped caring or being friends to me, despite my repeated refusal to let relationships develop. i know that for some of them, i'm a link in a chain of recent rejections and disappointments. it's not a failure of open-mindedness on my part, or any failure or shortcoming on their parts, but it's just sort of the hideous truth of the process - people want what they want, and any of our roles could easily be reversed. i think we are very often the same monster to others that we ourselves fear.

on top of it all, i got out of touch with writing for a while, there. i hear bits and pieces of feedback from people, but as i've said, i'm someone that likes his consistent affirmation and validation. particularly with the dramatic lack of response to a couple of my last posts of last year, i began feeling like i was amusing no one but myself with all of this. and writing itself became more difficult - i couldn't afford the oh-so productive trips to the pub alone. and, drinking much past a couple of beers doesn't seem to mix well with the new medications.

then, when i do write, like tonight, it feels tiresome and sterile, subtle and miniscule variations on a theme of whining and despair. i'm a narcissistic writer - i love to re-read my stuff. i find moments in it that i look on with pride because i feel they've captured some beauty and reflected it accurately. i've even allowed myself a couple of drinks tonight, but this is all it's getting me.

so, the upshot of all this? where am i now? i've lost some weight just in the last week or so, almost 10 pounds. i missed my 10 mile run saturday morning, but with my friend laurel's help, ran 9 sunday morning, only coming up the mile short due to mistake on my part. i've decided to run two half-marathons in two weeks, and i intend to try to run the san diego rock 'n roll marathon in june.

i've redoubled my efforts at my job, and i pounded out an impressive amount of work over the last week and a half, skipping lunches, even going in for a few hours today. i'm playing basketball again, which challenges me mentally, rebuilding my will and perseverance. and dull or not, i am here with my beer trying to write.

discipline. one of those friends i fear lost sold me on the virtue of not asking "why", but just doing, and letting the why follow. that's sort of all i got right now - do, and have faith in the maybe, or don't do, and be certain that nothing will continue to happen...

Posted by Rob at January 17, 2005 09:54 PM

Comments

Posted by: Eileen at January 18, 2005 10:17 AM

Posted by: Rob at January 18, 2005 10:22 AM

Posted by: Sheila at January 18, 2005 10:49 AM

Posted by: Rob at January 18, 2005 10:53 AM

Posted by: Morgan at January 18, 2005 02:50 PM

Posted by: Eileen at January 18, 2005 06:00 PM

Post a comment

Name:

Email Address:

URL:
Remember Me? YesNo

Comments: