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November 03, 2004
"AMERICA HAS SPOKEN"
Country claims "to have been drunk at the time"
Minutes after President Bush declared that "America had spoken" and named him "the undisputed high muckety-muck of the United States for the next six years," a spokesperson for America told reporters that America does not actually remember what it said, and that it had "thrown down a lot of beer at the time."
"Essentially, the vote was sort of a late night drunk call, and she didn't mean what she said," spokeswoman Sarah Tonin, claims. "America was a little sauced, and the polls were closing down, and she was alone, and she sorta missed the blind faith certainty of the Reagan era. Sure, they had some bad times, but on the other hand, Reagan was able to do a better job of selling a lot of people and allies on his invasions. Libya - you know, actually a threat, actually linked to actual terrorist acts. Grenada - come on, they had it coming, and everyone knew it."
Bush strategist Karl Rove countered America's claims, saying, "Nonsense. Reagan was the Mack Daddy of American Diplomacy, but President Bush has done far more using far less truth than either Reagan or his father ever did. America knew exactly what she was saying."
Meanwhile, numerolinguists at the Boise Community College Extension, who study the relationship between numbers like those generated in an election, and actual, verbal meaning, have translated both the popular vote numbers and the electoral vote to be congruent to the word, "Meh...", which is an expression that relates closely to "ahhh... not so much..."
In a related story, Jeopardy King Ken Jenning's amazing run almost came to an end Tuesday morning. Baffled by Jenning's seemingly endless store of arcane knowledge, the show's producers began posing questions about the future, and about what they had eaten for breakfast. Jennings answered 32 of these questions correctly, but judges initially failed to accept "Who sucks a tremendous amount of ass?" as an acceptable response to "The presidental candidate that will be declared winner later."
"The answer could have applied to either candidate," said show host Alex Trebeck following the taping. "But the key was the word 'tremndous.' The judges agreed that while Kerry sucks ass, only Bush truly sucks a tremendous amount of ass."
"Oh, I know exactly who the hell I was talking about," claims Jennings.
Posted by Rob at November 3, 2004 05:28 PM