October 28, 2004
Iraqi Scientists Create Cute, Furry Killing Machines
Oh, if I could only find the picture that incited this...
American soldiers in Iraq this week captured a facility near Nasiriyah filled with a ghastly discovery. Military analysts discovered evidence that Iraqi scientists have developed a retrovirus that is capable of modifying behavior, specifically targeting its carrier's moral judgment and self-protective instincts. Further review of what little information was not destroyed by the Iraqi scientists has revealed that the virus only works on certain rodents, primarily squirrels, and possibly shrews and voles.
After failed attempts to get the virus to work on Iraqi Boy Scout troops, the scientists retooled their efforts as part of a complex plan to disrupt the earth's ecosystem by altering certain vital links in the food chain, and just generally creating varmint-based chaos and confusion.
"Well, there's your smokin' gun, right there, your weapons of, of... massive destructioning. By conditioning squirrels, and possibly shrews and voles, to behave like those guys in that movie, Saddam Hussein has crossed a whole new line of bisexual transexuality," declared an enraged President Bush. The White House later clarified the president's comments, substituting the words "bioethical transgressions" into the statement.
Hours after the story was broken by an embedded reporter for Animal Planet's 24-hour coverage of the war, PETA and the Sierra Club, apparently previously unmoved by Amnesty International's long and extensive documentation of the torture, rape and murder of Iraqi people by their own government, suddenly announced their partial support for the war effort.
Drunk and aggressive squirrels, and possibly shrews and voles, smuggled into major urban areas could cause nasty-looking bites on thousands. Projected automobile and scooter accidents caused by drunken squirrels in the United States could have a multi hundred dollar impact on the nation's economy, at a time when every billion dollars counts. Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge offered a terse assessment, "Let's pray to God they're peacefully stoned and not belligerently drunk."
The tobacco and alcohol industries argue, however, that the introduction of the rodent market could quickly introduce a new dominant demographic. "The marketing possibilities are endless, though we have had little success at this point getting the rodents into bikinis."
ABC and Nickelodeon will co-host a special Town Hall happy hour discussion of this startling discovery and its implications tonight at Trudy's Central, at about 5:00PM. "This is an unprecedented topic of discussion for what have been a very enlightening series of Town Hall meetings," said ABC Nightline's venerable Ted Koppel. "Plus, I gots to get my drink on."
Posted by Rob at 06:41 AM | Comments (0)
July 08, 2004
No Beer Found On Mars
President Demanded Beer Be Found
NASA officials at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory made startling revelations at a hastily-called Monday afternoon press conference regarding the current mission to Mars.
"We've got enough going on here at NASA, and we're not taking the fall for this. There was a reason besides territorial coverage and redundancy that we sent two rovers to Mars. The original rover, Spirit, was added at the last minute in response to a specific Presidential directive," said Petere Theisinger, Spirit's Rover Project Manager.
"Originally, we were looking for traces of water on Mars that might prove important to future manned missions to Mars," said Team Leader . "However, the President personally made a call to us weeks before launch. He... well, we have the conversation recorded, you should hear it for yourselves."
The director then played a recording of a January 3, 2003 conversation
between President Bush and a NASA official identified as "Robert Reed":
Bush: "Look, we got lots of water right here on Earth. Four-thirds of our planet is covered with water. But what about beer? The French government has informed me that their operatives at Texas A&M have confirmed that there's definitely beer, possibly in a, in a... frozenized state, on Mars. I want you to find it, with that probe you're sending to that, um, moon."
NASA: "Planet."
Bush: "Hell, yeah, you gotta plan it. It's rocket science, and it ain't cheap. We have a saying in Texas, maybe you have it there in Houston. If you don't plan, if you don't fail to pla... you can't... you can't fool or fail a plan, and so, shame on you. I mean, me."
Reed: "Um. What?"
Bush: "You can send that tall guy, that Tom Robbins fella. He went to Mars in that picture movie. He was pretty good."
Reed: "Uh... you mean Tim Robbins, Susan Sarandon's husband. You know
they're rabid Democrats. Plus, he's not really an astronaut."
Bush: "Oh, screw that, then. Look, here's my point: beer makes people
happy, not water. Unless you're in Africa, where there's not as much of it. But Africa is a troubled nation. You can take water to a horse, I mean, if he's guarding the henhouse. Been there, done that. Not my problem."
Reed: "Um. What?"
Bush: "And between you and me, we're going to invade a certain Iraqi
country real soon, but I can't tell ya which one. Folks are gonna be happy about that. But we gotta look ahead to the election year - I need people to be happier. And drunk wouldn't hurt, either. So, I am issuing a Presidential orderation - I am hereby directing NASA to find beer on Mars. Do what you got to do."
Reed: "Yes, sir."
The director broke the stunned silence that followed the end of the tape by saying, "So, we did what he, um, 'orderated'. We even let him put together some of the electronics on the Spirit Rover, and today we can tell you no, there's no beer on Mars. Thank God we sent a second lander."
Posted by Rob at 06:34 AM | Comments (0)
US Launches Airstrike on Houston Courthouse
Bush Claims Al-Qaeda Link
HOUSTON (PP) -- Hours after former Enron Corp. chairman and CEO and card-carrying Bush Buddy Kenneth Lay was indicted on criminal charges in a Houston court, President Bush called for an airstrike on that Texas city by US forces.
At approximately 3:48 PM CST, B-2 stealth fighters delivered ordinance payloads to downtown Houston. Ground troops from nearby Fort Hood were also called in, but "had stopped for a restroom break, then hit some really nasty traffic on I-10," according to one Pentagon spokesman.
Sources in the White House report that the president was watching "Pokemon" when network news reported the indictment of Lay at approximately 3:25 PM CST. After sitting in shocked silence for several minutes, the president was heard to exclaim, "Oh, my God! They indicted Kenny! You bastards!" In a tense meeting with advisors, Bush reportedly said, "I'll tell you what it is. Al Qaida. Osama Bin Laden is using that, using some kind of Nation of Islamic mind control to manipulify and gain control of our courts. They've gotta be stopped."
British Prime Minister Tony Blair and other world leaders called Bush to offer their conditional moral support, and the mayors of Austin, Dallas, and Corpus Christi called to thank him for his swift and decisive action.
Other key sites in Houston were also hit in the strike, including several Marble Slab ice cream stores.
The President is expected to address the nation tonight, right after "Simple Life 2" airs on Fox. "I respect the integligence of those two young American womens," said Bush.
Posted by Rob at 06:27 AM | Comments (0)
June 02, 2004
FBI apprehends propane tanker thieves
Wednesday, June 2, 2004 Posted: 10:43 AM EDT (0243 GMT)
ARLEN, Texas (Reuters) - FBI agents in Texas apprehended two men Wednesday morning driving two propane tanker trucks that had been stolen from San Antonio over the Memorial Day weekend.
Witnesses reported that the two men were identified as Hank Hill, of Arlen, Texas, and "Rusty Shackleford", though the latter name is assumed to be an alias.
The trucks were spotted and reported by an Arlen resident who identified himself only as "Khan". "I see tanker truck driving down street. I tell my wife, Connie - 'Heeeeyyy, that not look right to me. Then, I see crazy redneck neighbor Hank Hill driving truck. I call White House immediately. They say no big deal, probably nothing. I call FBI director, he say he too busy. I call local news station, and they call police. I not big hero. Just a simple man living among rednecks."
Hill, a noted and respected local seller of propane and propane accessories, has a history of being indirectly connected with suspicious activity in the Arlen area. He was a suspect in the 1998 propane explosion at the local Megalomart that killed one dim-witted teenage employee. He was also the owner of a 29 lb. turkey found by a bomb-sniffing dog on a flight to Montana in 1999. The turkey was safely detonated by a local bomb squad. He was also the suspect in the murder of his employer's mistress. Hill has been unofficially linked to other events, including aiding in the theft, joyride and destruction of an M1 Bradley tank in 2002, purchasing crack cocaine to use as fish bait, and mooning former Texas Governor Ann Richards.
Hill's political extremism may have been learned from his father, Cotton Hill, a shinless war veteran, who is reported to have been involved in a plot to kill Castro, at a Yankees baseball game in 1967, then again in 2001. He was also held responsible for the burning of the Arlen Baptist Church and the theft of Santa Ana's leg from a museum.
"Shackleford" is believed to be one Dale Gribble, a local exterminator and survivalist extremist who briefly held a bell tower at the local community college until tranquilized by local police.
"Man, these dang ol', see, man, you come on dang ol' cameras just 'hey these are terrorists', but man, come on, they're Hank and Dale, man, just dang ol' good people," said one apparently intoxicated neighbor.
"Man, this is proof that dang ol' terrorists... small-town America, just... accenturizes what we've been telling you all, and I'm an example of it, and it has to stop," President Bush commented from his bathtub.
Posted by Rob at 06:26 AM | Comments (0)
August 07, 2003
Hill Announces Candidacy for California Election
10:32AM C.S.T. Aug. 7, 2003
(AP) In an early taping for the Jerry Springer Show this morning, One-Time Transvestite Turned Preacher Who Ran Off With My Sister's Mother Rob Hill announced his candidacy for the upcoming California gubernatorial race.
"Screw it, I'll do it. I'll run for governor, why the hell not. My job sucks, and you know governors get chicks for real. And simply put, I'm the best guber for the job," said Hill, who sported a jaunty mullet and an "I'm With Stupid" T-shirt.
Later, following several arguments and nursing a swollen lip from a small fight that ensued, Hill released the following statement:
"It is not without a lack of pride that I announce my candidacy for the governorship of the grand state of California. I have been to California before, and it is a grand state. Just grand. There are lots of people there. People that work. People that don't. People that need representation. People that need people. And I believe that I am that people.
But California, like Africa, is a troubled nation. The state of the state is sagging like the butt of a 70 year-old woman that lost 182 pounds doing crystal meth. That's why I have put a lot of time and effort, and bought beer for a number of advisors, to come up with my Support Garment Platform. Here's a few highlights:
1. Electricity - I understand the state has had blackouts and brownouts and mauveouts due to an inability to pay its electricity bills. I would bring to this office a common-man sensibility, using common sense, tried-and-true methods that have stood me well in my own life. For example, if you can't pay the whole bill, just pay them something. Five bucks. Make promises to pay to keep the power going as long as possible, then send them a check with the routing number scratched out. It'll take forever to clear, or bounce as the case may be.
Also, gophers are great, as yet-untapped natural sources of energy. They're generally clean burning, and plentiful.
2. Education - Overrated. Under my regime, or rather, leadership, the state will take over the cable franchises, by force if necessary, and every child will get full cable, under an exclusive voucher system. Between the Discovery Channel, the History Channel, Sesame Street, and Skinamax, there's nothing else today's youth needs to know or will ever learn.
I would also mandate a more equitable school tax distribution plan similar to the Robin Hood Plan in my home state, which will go unnamed. In my version, rich white school districts will choose between academic funding, or funding their football teams. Basketball will remain untouched.
3. Economics - Instead of letting any of them run the state, I will write and direct a new string of movies starring Gary Coleman, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Ariana Huffington. They'll be the new Brat Pack of the Millenium - the "Crap Pack", if you will. A movie will be released every year, with all proceeds going to supplement the state's coffers. Furthermore, I will advocate the annexation of Canada and the enslavement of all Canadians. Canadian tax dollars will finally pay for something more than wolverine control, a military force that will never get used, and subsidizing further Bryan Adams albums.
4. Reparations - Fans of the Clippers, the Warriors, and the Dodgers shall receive official apologies and reparations. Dozens of years of systematic, institutionalized repression will finally be redressed.
Finally, I will have the most skilled, yet hot group of advisors, commissioners, press secretaries, and henchwomen ever assembled since the 1985 film "Octopussy."
In this brief, two-month race, I will be competing against some great individuals, though they're all a bunch of opportunistic jerks and sideshow freaks. Schwarzenegger has taken the populist approach, claiming to appeal to the "man in the street". Well, today I say to you, "Who cares? What the hell is the man doing in the street, anyway? Get out of the street, you idiot. Geez."
Then there's Ariana Huffington. Woof. I mean, really. Come on.
So, let the word go out from this time and place today. Ask not what you can do for your state, but ask what you can do for me. I have, or have had, a dream. But it's not relevant right now. I call on all Californians today, tomorrow, even yesterday, to step up and make a choice for their future. I'm making the call. Granted, it's collect, but the phone's ringing. Will you answer it? Or will you screen it? Answer the damn phone, people - it's your new Governor calling.
Thank you.
Posted by Rob at 06:24 AM | Comments (0)
March 19, 2003
Please, Dubya, Don't Hurt 'Em!
This interesting (and completely accurate) quote from CNN:
"Make no mistake, when the president says go -- look out, it's hammer time," Vice Adm. Timothy J. Keating said aboard the USS Constellation. "It is hammer time. We are going to make the world safer for our children and our grandchildren."
Attending troops, wearing huge, baggy black and gold-lame hazmat suits, applauded and woofed loudly. Wolf Blitzer completely missed the cultural reference, though Peter Jennings nodded thoughtfully and muttered, "Word." MC Hammer could not be reached to confirm whether or not he had personally decreed the onset of Hammer Time, though Emmanuel Lewis took a message.
Other military and political leaders on both sides quickly followed the Vice Admiral's lead, in an apparent effort to raise support among the powerful MTV demographic.
In a statement early Wednesday morning, Defense Secretary Colin Powell pointed out that the US has maintained an active and aware presence in the region, and was prepared for anything the environment might offer. "Don't call it a comeback, we've been here for years. It is getting hot in herre, but if there's a problem, yo, we will solve it," Secretary Powell said. "I am personally rolling in a different capacity then I was during Desert Storm, but I still expect to provide considerable input. I am, essentially, still Colin from the block."
In Baghdad, Saddam Hussein reviewed his elite Republic Guard, saying, "When I look upon the fine and noble fighting force prepared to defend the proud sovereignty of Iraq, I get sprung. For reals. Our cause is legitimate, completely, in the eyes of God. We are too legit to quit." When asked where he would be awaiting the attack, Hussein declined to be specific. "Hotel, motel, Holiday Inn... I cannot say. I will not, however, be bullied into leaving my peeps by American-puppet UN Security Council resolutions. The UNSC won't let me be or let me be me so let me see, they tried to shut me down in the UNSC, but it feels so empty without me..."
Meanwhile, Iraqi Foreign Minister and Bride of Frankenstein look-alike Tariq Aziz will be appearing later today on MTV's Total Request Live, introducing the inclusion of Justin Timberlake into the very exclusive Axis of Evil.
Posted by Rob at 06:43 AM | Comments (0)