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October 28, 2004
the creamy evil
You know, I enjoy the fact that I have friends here around me in Austin that have migrated here from across the United States, and indeed, the world. In my own little melting pot of friends, we all benefit from the rich cultural diversity. Sometimes there is debate, but almost always, respect and appreciation. However, there are limits to this cultural relativism that are only right and proper. I cannot justify or accept the use of carrots in stews by Hungarians. I do not embrace or even condone the ritual slaughter of marmosets by Uruguayans. And I cannot ratify, by my silence, the continued, unquestioning glorification of Marble Slab Creameries by infidels raised in the Houston area.
Essentially, anyone who's spent a significant amount of time in Austin, which generally means anything more than eight months, claims Amy's as the superior ice cream store. However, Austin is infiltrated by an ever-growing number of people fleeing the humidity, mosquitos, traffic, and complete lack of sensical zoning in Houston, including many who believe that Marble Slab is, in fact, far superior. These are people that turn their nose up at Amy, and would stone her, if they could.
It seems innocent enough - worship the gargantuan corporate purveyor of frozen butterfat, and demonize good, wholesome local institutions like Amy's. But those who do so, while motivated by what passes for refined taste, are actually unwitting pawns of the Slabpire and its unholy crusade. Recently, noted and respected Oliver Stone-wanna-be filmmaker Michael Moore produced a short film uncovering the insidious, weblike web of insidiousness linking Marble Slab, tobacco giant Phillip Morris, the Bush and Hoover administrations, Osama Bin Laden's backup dry cleaner, and Aaron Spelling.
The filmmaker interviews several former employees of the company who
worked in secrecy at the so-called "Slab Lab", hidden deep within a
mountain, just off of a dusty rocky road in Puerto Rico, where the company maintains several vanilla-only locations. These former employees all report that for decades, they had actually been paid by a research affiliate of Phillip Morris to study the possible cross-application of certain chemical additives, many of them known carcinogens, between cigarette and ice cream production.
"We tried lots of things in those days. The sky was the limit, and our
budget was endless," says one former researcher, who would only be
identified as "Doug". "We tried chocolate chips in cigarettes, cyanide
ascorbate in ice cream cakes. We were told by the company to look at the ice cream cup or cone simply as a 'nicotine-cream delivery device'. It was horrible. And no one knew. I mean, there's a reason The Slab has locations in almost every state on the East Coast, except for Virginia, where Phillip Morris is based. Plausible deniability. Deceit and obfuscation. Sixty Minutes refused to air my interview 10 years ago because, well, actually, I couldn't find their phone number, and the Internet was sorta sketchy back then."
"Doug" was found on a tin roof, Sunday, bludgeoned to death with a small, metal club-like object that some observers agreed could have been a really heavy, extraordinarily large, lead ice cream scoop. Local authorities, however, all of whom smoke and eat ice cream, declined to label the death a homicide, instead classifying it only as, "kinda weird".
Hippie Vermontian ice cream Communists Ben and Jerry released a statement the next afternoon, decrying the apparent murder. "This is not surprising. We've lived in fear for 20 years, except, like, when we're really stoned and don't care. But you cannot keep the truth from the American people, man. That, like, sucks." Leaving the press conference, an enraged Ben added, "If you're gonna pick on someone, butter pecan me, you fascist freaks!"
Moore's film also reveals ties to Vice President Dick Cheney, and the
company he once helped run, Halliburton. Halliburton is currently the
contractor responsible for constructing 32 Marble Slab franchises across Iraq. Earlier this week, feeling left out of recent journalism, ABC claimed to be in possession of photographs showing ice-cream related abuse of the Iraqi populace. The images are chilling, to say the least: a child, no more than 9, crying, an empty cone in hand, the improperly-secured ice cream scoop it once held melting on the desert sand at his feet. Another shows a woman screaming, clutching her forehead in agony, as nearby U.S. and British soldiers laugh and point at what some G.I's jokingly call a "brain freeze."
Tuesday night, Moore took the opportunity at the recent Ted Nugent
Bowhunting Video Awards show to grandstand for the cause, as he accepted the award for Cleanest Marmoset Kill With Compound Bow, Over 50 Yards - "Stand up against the irresponsible extension of the mili-dairy industrial complex. Start by voting! Ice cream change begins at home!"
Posted by Rob at October 28, 2004 06:30 AM