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October 28, 2004
Iraqi Scientists Create Cute, Furry Killing Machines
Oh, if I could only find the picture that incited this...
American soldiers in Iraq this week captured a facility near Nasiriyah filled with a ghastly discovery. Military analysts discovered evidence that Iraqi scientists have developed a retrovirus that is capable of modifying behavior, specifically targeting its carrier's moral judgment and self-protective instincts. Further review of what little information was not destroyed by the Iraqi scientists has revealed that the virus only works on certain rodents, primarily squirrels, and possibly shrews and voles.
After failed attempts to get the virus to work on Iraqi Boy Scout troops, the scientists retooled their efforts as part of a complex plan to disrupt the earth's ecosystem by altering certain vital links in the food chain, and just generally creating varmint-based chaos and confusion.
"Well, there's your smokin' gun, right there, your weapons of, of... massive destructioning. By conditioning squirrels, and possibly shrews and voles, to behave like those guys in that movie, Saddam Hussein has crossed a whole new line of bisexual transexuality," declared an enraged President Bush. The White House later clarified the president's comments, substituting the words "bioethical transgressions" into the statement.
Hours after the story was broken by an embedded reporter for Animal Planet's 24-hour coverage of the war, PETA and the Sierra Club, apparently previously unmoved by Amnesty International's long and extensive documentation of the torture, rape and murder of Iraqi people by their own government, suddenly announced their partial support for the war effort.
Drunk and aggressive squirrels, and possibly shrews and voles, smuggled into major urban areas could cause nasty-looking bites on thousands. Projected automobile and scooter accidents caused by drunken squirrels in the United States could have a multi hundred dollar impact on the nation's economy, at a time when every billion dollars counts. Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge offered a terse assessment, "Let's pray to God they're peacefully stoned and not belligerently drunk."
The tobacco and alcohol industries argue, however, that the introduction of the rodent market could quickly introduce a new dominant demographic. "The marketing possibilities are endless, though we have had little success at this point getting the rodents into bikinis."
ABC and Nickelodeon will co-host a special Town Hall happy hour discussion of this startling discovery and its implications tonight at Trudy's Central, at about 5:00PM. "This is an unprecedented topic of discussion for what have been a very enlightening series of Town Hall meetings," said ABC Nightline's venerable Ted Koppel. "Plus, I gots to get my drink on."
Posted by Rob at October 28, 2004 06:41 AM