« No Beer Found On Mars | Main | the homebody »
August 19, 2004
It Happened On August 20
Well, August 20 is an auspicious date, indeed. It is the birthday of such notables as Don King, Commodore "I got yer enemy right here" Perry, H.P. Lovecraft, Isaac Hayes and Courtney Gibbs of "Baywatch" non-fame. It is also the day on which Pope Pius X (no relation to Malcolm) died.
Further, in 1865, President Johnson declared an end to the "insurrection" in the backwater state of Texas. August 20 saw the first TV broadcast for home reception in 1930 New York City, Leon Trotsky's assasination in 1940, and Messner's solo ascent of Mt. Everest in 1980. Oddly enough, August 20th is a good day for Major League pitchers - 4 no hitters have been pitched in the last century on that date.
Tomorrow is Hungary's Constitution Day, Senegal's Independence Day (which Bill Pullman had nothing to do with), and Admission Day in Hawaii. I do not know what Admission Day is, but I think the most logical assumption would be that it is a day on which people are compelled to admit things to each other, about past indiscretions, personal fears, and what they really think about the way the other smells. I would also jump to the conclusion that the murder rate in Hawaii is unusually high every August 20.
But, with the exception of the birthdates of Isaac Hayes, and former Miss Texas Courtney Gibbs, who to this day doesn't remember our 3-year sweaty relationship, these occurences all pale next to what happened on August 20, 1988.
I have it on information slightly more credible than Fox News that on that day in 1988, a crowd of shocked bystanders in the farming community of Pfigston, Idaho watched as a 13 year-old girl named Marnie Cragglestein took the stage at the county's annual Potato Calling Contest, and declared herself Supreme Ruler of the Universe and Exalted Arbiter of Abandoned Doughnut Holes. Within minutes, word of the surprise, unchallenged coup reached both major media outlets and the halls of power across the world. It had apparently escaped notice that the position had been vacant but otherwise available for millenia. Somewhere in Vermont, former Secretary of State and momentary U.S. President Alexander Haig was said to be "annoyed that he hadn't thought of that."
Ms. Cragglestein maintained her position of power for approximately 38 minutes, during which her accomplishments were staggering: she declared equal rights for marmots; ordered the immediate arrest and execution of all people aged 42; instituted a moratorium on the use of sprinkles on ice cream; and declared then-hip Debbie Gibson to be "a Stupid Stupidhead."
Then, suddenly declaring herself to be in serious need of a nap, Cragglestein stepped down, but not before naming her cat, Mr. Fluffinstuffles, as her permanent successor. Mr. Fluffinstuffles' reign was marked by persistent grooming and mewing before he was assasinated three days later by an unmarked black sedan reputed to be driven by the suddenly un-hip Debbie Gibson. Gibson later went on to be relatively insignificant before enjoying a revival as a Broadway singer.
August 20 is, therefore, celebrated by many individuals who may or may not actually exist as the only time in history when the universe made any sort of sense at all, thanks to the visionary leadership of Cragglestein, who, after 8 years dancing under the name "Toyota" in a gentleman's club in Washington D.C., became a successful lobbyist for the powerful sex-toy industry.
Posted by Rob at August 19, 2004 11:28 PM