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July 08, 2004
No Beer Found On Mars
President Demanded Beer Be Found
NASA officials at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory made startling revelations at a hastily-called Monday afternoon press conference regarding the current mission to Mars.
"We've got enough going on here at NASA, and we're not taking the fall for this. There was a reason besides territorial coverage and redundancy that we sent two rovers to Mars. The original rover, Spirit, was added at the last minute in response to a specific Presidential directive," said Petere Theisinger, Spirit's Rover Project Manager.
"Originally, we were looking for traces of water on Mars that might prove important to future manned missions to Mars," said Team Leader . "However, the President personally made a call to us weeks before launch. He... well, we have the conversation recorded, you should hear it for yourselves."
The director then played a recording of a January 3, 2003 conversation
between President Bush and a NASA official identified as "Robert Reed":
Bush: "Look, we got lots of water right here on Earth. Four-thirds of our planet is covered with water. But what about beer? The French government has informed me that their operatives at Texas A&M have confirmed that there's definitely beer, possibly in a, in a... frozenized state, on Mars. I want you to find it, with that probe you're sending to that, um, moon."
NASA: "Planet."
Bush: "Hell, yeah, you gotta plan it. It's rocket science, and it ain't cheap. We have a saying in Texas, maybe you have it there in Houston. If you don't plan, if you don't fail to pla... you can't... you can't fool or fail a plan, and so, shame on you. I mean, me."
Reed: "Um. What?"
Bush: "You can send that tall guy, that Tom Robbins fella. He went to Mars in that picture movie. He was pretty good."
Reed: "Uh... you mean Tim Robbins, Susan Sarandon's husband. You know
they're rabid Democrats. Plus, he's not really an astronaut."
Bush: "Oh, screw that, then. Look, here's my point: beer makes people
happy, not water. Unless you're in Africa, where there's not as much of it. But Africa is a troubled nation. You can take water to a horse, I mean, if he's guarding the henhouse. Been there, done that. Not my problem."
Reed: "Um. What?"
Bush: "And between you and me, we're going to invade a certain Iraqi
country real soon, but I can't tell ya which one. Folks are gonna be happy about that. But we gotta look ahead to the election year - I need people to be happier. And drunk wouldn't hurt, either. So, I am issuing a Presidential orderation - I am hereby directing NASA to find beer on Mars. Do what you got to do."
Reed: "Yes, sir."
The director broke the stunned silence that followed the end of the tape by saying, "So, we did what he, um, 'orderated'. We even let him put together some of the electronics on the Spirit Rover, and today we can tell you no, there's no beer on Mars. Thank God we sent a second lander."
Posted by Rob at July 8, 2004 06:34 AM