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July 08, 2004
No Beer Found On Mars
President Demanded Beer Be Found
NASA officials at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory made startling revelations at a hastily-called Monday afternoon press conference regarding the current mission to Mars.
"We've got enough going on here at NASA, and we're not taking the fall for this. There was a reason besides territorial coverage and redundancy that we sent two rovers to Mars. The original rover, Spirit, was added at the last minute in response to a specific Presidential directive," said Petere Theisinger, Spirit's Rover Project Manager.
"Originally, we were looking for traces of water on Mars that might prove important to future manned missions to Mars," said Team Leader . "However, the President personally made a call to us weeks before launch. He... well, we have the conversation recorded, you should hear it for yourselves."
The director then played a recording of a January 3, 2003 conversation
between President Bush and a NASA official identified as "Robert Reed":
Bush: "Look, we got lots of water right here on Earth. Four-thirds of our planet is covered with water. But what about beer? The French government has informed me that their operatives at Texas A&M have confirmed that there's definitely beer, possibly in a, in a... frozenized state, on Mars. I want you to find it, with that probe you're sending to that, um, moon."
NASA: "Planet."
Bush: "Hell, yeah, you gotta plan it. It's rocket science, and it ain't cheap. We have a saying in Texas, maybe you have it there in Houston. If you don't plan, if you don't fail to pla... you can't... you can't fool or fail a plan, and so, shame on you. I mean, me."
Reed: "Um. What?"
Bush: "You can send that tall guy, that Tom Robbins fella. He went to Mars in that picture movie. He was pretty good."
Reed: "Uh... you mean Tim Robbins, Susan Sarandon's husband. You know
they're rabid Democrats. Plus, he's not really an astronaut."
Bush: "Oh, screw that, then. Look, here's my point: beer makes people
happy, not water. Unless you're in Africa, where there's not as much of it. But Africa is a troubled nation. You can take water to a horse, I mean, if he's guarding the henhouse. Been there, done that. Not my problem."
Reed: "Um. What?"
Bush: "And between you and me, we're going to invade a certain Iraqi
country real soon, but I can't tell ya which one. Folks are gonna be happy about that. But we gotta look ahead to the election year - I need people to be happier. And drunk wouldn't hurt, either. So, I am issuing a Presidential orderation - I am hereby directing NASA to find beer on Mars. Do what you got to do."
Reed: "Yes, sir."
The director broke the stunned silence that followed the end of the tape by saying, "So, we did what he, um, 'orderated'. We even let him put together some of the electronics on the Spirit Rover, and today we can tell you no, there's no beer on Mars. Thank God we sent a second lander."
Posted by Rob at 06:34 AM | Comments (0)
US Launches Airstrike on Houston Courthouse
Bush Claims Al-Qaeda Link
HOUSTON (PP) -- Hours after former Enron Corp. chairman and CEO and card-carrying Bush Buddy Kenneth Lay was indicted on criminal charges in a Houston court, President Bush called for an airstrike on that Texas city by US forces.
At approximately 3:48 PM CST, B-2 stealth fighters delivered ordinance payloads to downtown Houston. Ground troops from nearby Fort Hood were also called in, but "had stopped for a restroom break, then hit some really nasty traffic on I-10," according to one Pentagon spokesman.
Sources in the White House report that the president was watching "Pokemon" when network news reported the indictment of Lay at approximately 3:25 PM CST. After sitting in shocked silence for several minutes, the president was heard to exclaim, "Oh, my God! They indicted Kenny! You bastards!" In a tense meeting with advisors, Bush reportedly said, "I'll tell you what it is. Al Qaida. Osama Bin Laden is using that, using some kind of Nation of Islamic mind control to manipulify and gain control of our courts. They've gotta be stopped."
British Prime Minister Tony Blair and other world leaders called Bush to offer their conditional moral support, and the mayors of Austin, Dallas, and Corpus Christi called to thank him for his swift and decisive action.
Other key sites in Houston were also hit in the strike, including several Marble Slab ice cream stores.
The President is expected to address the nation tonight, right after "Simple Life 2" airs on Fox. "I respect the integligence of those two young American womens," said Bush.
Posted by Rob at 06:27 AM | Comments (0)