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August 07, 2003
Hill Announces Candidacy for California Election
10:32AM C.S.T. Aug. 7, 2003
(AP) In an early taping for the Jerry Springer Show this morning, One-Time Transvestite Turned Preacher Who Ran Off With My Sister's Mother Rob Hill announced his candidacy for the upcoming California gubernatorial race.
"Screw it, I'll do it. I'll run for governor, why the hell not. My job sucks, and you know governors get chicks for real. And simply put, I'm the best guber for the job," said Hill, who sported a jaunty mullet and an "I'm With Stupid" T-shirt.
Later, following several arguments and nursing a swollen lip from a small fight that ensued, Hill released the following statement:
"It is not without a lack of pride that I announce my candidacy for the governorship of the grand state of California. I have been to California before, and it is a grand state. Just grand. There are lots of people there. People that work. People that don't. People that need representation. People that need people. And I believe that I am that people.
But California, like Africa, is a troubled nation. The state of the state is sagging like the butt of a 70 year-old woman that lost 182 pounds doing crystal meth. That's why I have put a lot of time and effort, and bought beer for a number of advisors, to come up with my Support Garment Platform. Here's a few highlights:
1. Electricity - I understand the state has had blackouts and brownouts and mauveouts due to an inability to pay its electricity bills. I would bring to this office a common-man sensibility, using common sense, tried-and-true methods that have stood me well in my own life. For example, if you can't pay the whole bill, just pay them something. Five bucks. Make promises to pay to keep the power going as long as possible, then send them a check with the routing number scratched out. It'll take forever to clear, or bounce as the case may be.
Also, gophers are great, as yet-untapped natural sources of energy. They're generally clean burning, and plentiful.
2. Education - Overrated. Under my regime, or rather, leadership, the state will take over the cable franchises, by force if necessary, and every child will get full cable, under an exclusive voucher system. Between the Discovery Channel, the History Channel, Sesame Street, and Skinamax, there's nothing else today's youth needs to know or will ever learn.
I would also mandate a more equitable school tax distribution plan similar to the Robin Hood Plan in my home state, which will go unnamed. In my version, rich white school districts will choose between academic funding, or funding their football teams. Basketball will remain untouched.
3. Economics - Instead of letting any of them run the state, I will write and direct a new string of movies starring Gary Coleman, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Ariana Huffington. They'll be the new Brat Pack of the Millenium - the "Crap Pack", if you will. A movie will be released every year, with all proceeds going to supplement the state's coffers. Furthermore, I will advocate the annexation of Canada and the enslavement of all Canadians. Canadian tax dollars will finally pay for something more than wolverine control, a military force that will never get used, and subsidizing further Bryan Adams albums.
4. Reparations - Fans of the Clippers, the Warriors, and the Dodgers shall receive official apologies and reparations. Dozens of years of systematic, institutionalized repression will finally be redressed.
Finally, I will have the most skilled, yet hot group of advisors, commissioners, press secretaries, and henchwomen ever assembled since the 1985 film "Octopussy."
In this brief, two-month race, I will be competing against some great individuals, though they're all a bunch of opportunistic jerks and sideshow freaks. Schwarzenegger has taken the populist approach, claiming to appeal to the "man in the street". Well, today I say to you, "Who cares? What the hell is the man doing in the street, anyway? Get out of the street, you idiot. Geez."
Then there's Ariana Huffington. Woof. I mean, really. Come on.
So, let the word go out from this time and place today. Ask not what you can do for your state, but ask what you can do for me. I have, or have had, a dream. But it's not relevant right now. I call on all Californians today, tomorrow, even yesterday, to step up and make a choice for their future. I'm making the call. Granted, it's collect, but the phone's ringing. Will you answer it? Or will you screen it? Answer the damn phone, people - it's your new Governor calling.
Thank you.
Posted by Rob at August 7, 2003 06:24 AM