March 19, 2003
Please, Dubya, Don't Hurt 'Em!
This interesting (and completely accurate) quote from CNN:
"Make no mistake, when the president says go -- look out, it's hammer time," Vice Adm. Timothy J. Keating said aboard the USS Constellation. "It is hammer time. We are going to make the world safer for our children and our grandchildren."
Attending troops, wearing huge, baggy black and gold-lame hazmat suits, applauded and woofed loudly. Wolf Blitzer completely missed the cultural reference, though Peter Jennings nodded thoughtfully and muttered, "Word." MC Hammer could not be reached to confirm whether or not he had personally decreed the onset of Hammer Time, though Emmanuel Lewis took a message.
Other military and political leaders on both sides quickly followed the Vice Admiral's lead, in an apparent effort to raise support among the powerful MTV demographic.
In a statement early Wednesday morning, Defense Secretary Colin Powell pointed out that the US has maintained an active and aware presence in the region, and was prepared for anything the environment might offer. "Don't call it a comeback, we've been here for years. It is getting hot in herre, but if there's a problem, yo, we will solve it," Secretary Powell said. "I am personally rolling in a different capacity then I was during Desert Storm, but I still expect to provide considerable input. I am, essentially, still Colin from the block."
In Baghdad, Saddam Hussein reviewed his elite Republic Guard, saying, "When I look upon the fine and noble fighting force prepared to defend the proud sovereignty of Iraq, I get sprung. For reals. Our cause is legitimate, completely, in the eyes of God. We are too legit to quit." When asked where he would be awaiting the attack, Hussein declined to be specific. "Hotel, motel, Holiday Inn... I cannot say. I will not, however, be bullied into leaving my peeps by American-puppet UN Security Council resolutions. The UNSC won't let me be or let me be me so let me see, they tried to shut me down in the UNSC, but it feels so empty without me..."
Meanwhile, Iraqi Foreign Minister and Bride of Frankenstein look-alike Tariq Aziz will be appearing later today on MTV's Total Request Live, introducing the inclusion of Justin Timberlake into the very exclusive Axis of Evil.
Posted by Rob at 06:43 AM | Comments (0)