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Cubicle Etiquette
September 05, 2007
Sorry, this is old, but I don't think I've had it on here before, and someone just made me think of it...
With the help of the cubicle, the grand visions of the more efficient business future have finally and truly been realized. Across the world, vast indoor fields of tiny fabric-walled pens are enabling industry to continue on its mighty, faceless march across humanity. This great movement sprang from Nature's own Bosom, from Her examples of the super-efficient beehive, to the entirely natural Concentrated Animal Feeding Facilities pioneered by the pork and poultry industries, which are not capitalized here because they are already well-capitalized.
Unfortunately, the nuances of the human worker animal require a new set of rules for the modern-day Concentrated Human Worker Facility. Like swine and pullet hens, people are going to be annoying, and people will complain, regardless of attempts at politeness. In these potentially ugly situations, its often more effective to be David Banner than Miss Manners. A few helpful tips:
Respect for cube space is important, and communication is key. A thin, almost invisible strand of piano wire strung across your cube entrance will leave a clean but nasty cut across the windpipe, and will send a clear message regarding your personal boundaries.
"Good fences make good neighbors," but an open display of personal armament only improves the situation. Like maintaining a mutual nuclear deterrent, the credible threat of immediate and effective violence, together with the credible threat of swift and equally effective retribution, will stave off many a cubicle quibble. Flashing a bit of gunmetal when you say "Good Morning," will often insure at least several hours of peaceful coexistence.
For those lingering loiterers, I remind you that no one likes to hang out where there's a strong, foul, organic odor. You figure out the rest.
Know your audio. It's instinctive for us to deal with our neighbor's questionable musical choices by turning up our own selection du jour, but first, take a moment to calm down, gather yourself, and consider what you're about to do. Are you fighting Creed with Puddle of Mudd? Indistinguishable, it'll never work. Reba with Alan Jackson? Neither of you deserve to live, much less win your stupid little battle. You must always take taste as well as aural physics into account. Nothing says "screw you" to a Barry Manilow-playing neighbor than a selection from Ice-T's magnum opus, "Body Count."
Finally, while innovation is required by our changing environment, don't forget some of the old stand-by's: tire slashing, planting gay porn, prank calls, email bombs, and urinating in plants. Someday, Big Business will find ways to sort of safely and legally remove our higher brain functions, solving these problems once and for all, and insuring peace and productivity for all proles and plebes. But until then, with a little thought and effort, and a little help from the innumerable, voices in your head that keep getting louder and louder and won't stop talking about the kittens, the horrible, horrible kittens of doom, oh God make it stop, we can all find a way to live and work together in mutual harmony and respect on a firm foundation of fear.
Regards,
The Man
Posted by Rob at September 5, 2007 09:26 AM