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dance, motherfucker, dance
May 05, 2007
the alamo showed the big lebowski at dart bowl. i watched in the parkng lot, laughed, safe in the chair that my friend morgan brought, braced by my friends, jane and mandy and kellie and phillip. laugh, laugh, laugh.
then we bowled, and i drank some more. mandy said she'd drive, and she declared we were going dancing, at a gay bar, oilcan harry's.
i dance like i run a 5K. push, push, push. believe it or not, nothing matters when i run a 5K, except the chance to pull my heart out and show it in the hopes that someone might see, and nothing matters when i cut loose and dance, except the chance to pull my heart out and show it in the hopes that someone might see. imoved smoothly, quickly, with all the balance and body control i used to show in the lane when i played basketball against people younger, lighter, quicker, more skilled. i moved, i stuck with it, i went the distance, dancing my heart out.
that's my whole life, isn't it? truing to show someone, anyone, what is in my own heart. who gets it? it's how i define love, it's how i define myself. it's how i define my life. and i can't get there. no one seems to see it in how i run. no one has heard it yet in my voice. did i mistake her smile for seeing it in how i danced?
somewhere in the mayhem, in the rare release i found dancing, the glasses slid off my head, crashed to the floor, fell underfoot, crushed flat beneath a single step in the rhythm. mandy drove home, i rode, just a blur of lights across my eyes. when we got to her place, i pushed the lenses back into the frames, said, yeah, i coulddrive myself home. drunk enough to see, sober enough to know that what i saw didn't matter.
i drove home, not so much drunk, as seeing sharp points of light, smeared by the desperate fingerprints on the lenses, pushing my car homeward, to my bed alone, to the television glowing bright and hollow, to these words echoing in an empty room.
no, no, no. no more.
Posted by Rob at May 5, 2007 01:47 AM