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thanks
April 25, 2007
thanks, joey. you're going out on a limb saying those things publicly. you don't know, i mean, you really can't know, how much that means to me.
over the past couple of days, i've been communicating with someone, trying to figure out really what's going on. he had heard the story and knows the person involved, so i told him everything i knew. maybe i don't adequately communicate the level of guilt and shame i've felt and will alawas feel because of what i did, that was done not even out of malice, but just out of stupidity.
i was the fat geeky kid growing up that got hounded and got the shit beat out of me enough times. i just wanted to be respected and liked. so much of what i've done in my life has indeed been openly about that. at so many times, the only self-worth i could find in my life was in trying to be a decent person. i couldn't control other people, i have limited control over how i look or what i could do athletically, but i could control what kind of person i was.
i've always wanted people to see that, even as i always felt that i could never really be a good person by trying to be a good person, because i was getting something out of it in the approval of others. don't get me wrong, i do feel good if i can make a difference or help someone out. but i also want to be seen and known as someone like that, so that if people still dislike me or look down on me, i can write that off.
so, this person, after hearing everything, decrees thusly:
To be honest, from what you have told me, the grapevine was almost spot on in it's facts. This really scares me that you would do such a thing... Maybe it is because you seem to worry more about manipulating people to be on your side more than changing your actions.
i genuinely respect that he was willing to listen, and tell me exactly what he thought. i told him that, but i also fired back probably an overly angry response. i may apologize, i may not.
but here's the bottom line: all that's happened recently have reminded me once again that at the end of the day, the most important things i have are my control over my actions, and the real, true friends. i have failed to be a good person, in small ways, and in this way that was so large it is one of the three or four truly horrible things i will never live down. i have failed my friends from time to time.
but i do not forget my failures. i do not just dismiss my actions as mistakes. i live with them, and i let them burn me as much as they will, because they should, and because they drive me to try harder. that is all i can do. only a few friends probably have an idea of the conditions i maintain inside my head. i do not make it easy. i don't forget. i dwell, and i will beat myself and at times suffocate myself with those failures because there is nothing i can do to take them back or change the consequences.
i do worry if what i'm doing in telling the story, or in discussing it at all is "manipulative." i'm not lying to anyone, or leaving anything out. i don't want to be forgiven for what i've done. i want people to judge what i've done, but i also want them to judge me on the whole, as a person. of course i want people on my side, but only if i deserve it. in this case, i don't. i feel i deserve some scorn and some punishment. but regardless of what i dish out for myself, i don't deserve how i'm being regarded as a person. i didn't molest a child or rape someone or cheat on my spouse, here. i didn't do something out of malice. i want people to understand how i came to do what i did out of stupidity, and recognize the remorse, and recognize that i do care immensely about changing my actions.
so, if any of you want to believe i'm manipulating you, then that's your business. you go your way and i'll go mine. you want to judge me as a person and decide you need to oppose me, then be like this guy and do it to my face. but be aware that i am only going to take so much. i'm through being judged absolutely by people who shouldn't be casting stones, who aren't going to be satisfied with anything i do or say. do what you want, say what you want, but stay the hell out of my way.
and joey, again, thank you. i read the other email, was angry, was despondent again. i took a shower, came out, and saw your comment. it brought me back to the fact that i have true friends who are some of the best people i know, who aren't going to let my shit slide, but who are going to recognize and support me trying to be worthy of their friendship.
Posted by Rob at April 25, 2007 09:49 PM
Comments
Maybe it takes good people to recognize good people. Congratulations, I found you.
Posted by: amy at April 26, 2007 09:50 AM
to paraphrase from monty python, "cruxifition for you - it's much better than a hanging or a stoning - what you need is a long, slow agonizing death!"
hang in there dude, and keep the chin up. holler if you want to talk or just need someone to give you a friendly knock up side the head. ; )
Posted by: Lorrie at April 26, 2007 09:55 PM
Ooh, I want in on the knock upside the head action!
Posted by: Joey at April 26, 2007 10:35 PM
Rob, hang in there.
Posted by: Jenn at April 27, 2007 10:51 AM
I'm here :-)
Posted by: maggie at April 29, 2007 10:58 PM
Ok, so I am a little slow on the uptake and I am completely oblivious of the "grapevine", but I know for a fact what a true and great friend you are. Please do not beat yourself up for too long, whatever the situation is. You know, there are people out there that are just whack - they get it totally wrong and you can't ever please them or change their perspective, no matter how badly they have misjudged or mislabeled you. It hurts, but just let 'em go and know that there are many people out here who love you and who know better. Way better.
Posted by: Julia at April 30, 2007 03:36 PM