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April 25, 2007
thanks
thanks, joey. you're going out on a limb saying those things publicly. you don't know, i mean, you really can't know, how much that means to me.
over the past couple of days, i've been communicating with someone, trying to figure out really what's going on. he had heard the story and knows the person involved, so i told him everything i knew. maybe i don't adequately communicate the level of guilt and shame i've felt and will alawas feel because of what i did, that was done not even out of malice, but just out of stupidity.
i was the fat geeky kid growing up that got hounded and got the shit beat out of me enough times. i just wanted to be respected and liked. so much of what i've done in my life has indeed been openly about that. at so many times, the only self-worth i could find in my life was in trying to be a decent person. i couldn't control other people, i have limited control over how i look or what i could do athletically, but i could control what kind of person i was.
i've always wanted people to see that, even as i always felt that i could never really be a good person by trying to be a good person, because i was getting something out of it in the approval of others. don't get me wrong, i do feel good if i can make a difference or help someone out. but i also want to be seen and known as someone like that, so that if people still dislike me or look down on me, i can write that off.
so, this person, after hearing everything, decrees thusly:
To be honest, from what you have told me, the grapevine was almost spot on in it's facts. This really scares me that you would do such a thing... Maybe it is because you seem to worry more about manipulating people to be on your side more than changing your actions.
i genuinely respect that he was willing to listen, and tell me exactly what he thought. i told him that, but i also fired back probably an overly angry response. i may apologize, i may not.
but here's the bottom line: all that's happened recently have reminded me once again that at the end of the day, the most important things i have are my control over my actions, and the real, true friends. i have failed to be a good person, in small ways, and in this way that was so large it is one of the three or four truly horrible things i will never live down. i have failed my friends from time to time.
but i do not forget my failures. i do not just dismiss my actions as mistakes. i live with them, and i let them burn me as much as they will, because they should, and because they drive me to try harder. that is all i can do. only a few friends probably have an idea of the conditions i maintain inside my head. i do not make it easy. i don't forget. i dwell, and i will beat myself and at times suffocate myself with those failures because there is nothing i can do to take them back or change the consequences.
i do worry if what i'm doing in telling the story, or in discussing it at all is "manipulative." i'm not lying to anyone, or leaving anything out. i don't want to be forgiven for what i've done. i want people to judge what i've done, but i also want them to judge me on the whole, as a person. of course i want people on my side, but only if i deserve it. in this case, i don't. i feel i deserve some scorn and some punishment. but regardless of what i dish out for myself, i don't deserve how i'm being regarded as a person. i didn't molest a child or rape someone or cheat on my spouse, here. i didn't do something out of malice. i want people to understand how i came to do what i did out of stupidity, and recognize the remorse, and recognize that i do care immensely about changing my actions.
so, if any of you want to believe i'm manipulating you, then that's your business. you go your way and i'll go mine. you want to judge me as a person and decide you need to oppose me, then be like this guy and do it to my face. but be aware that i am only going to take so much. i'm through being judged absolutely by people who shouldn't be casting stones, who aren't going to be satisfied with anything i do or say. do what you want, say what you want, but stay the hell out of my way.
and joey, again, thank you. i read the other email, was angry, was despondent again. i took a shower, came out, and saw your comment. it brought me back to the fact that i have true friends who are some of the best people i know, who aren't going to let my shit slide, but who are going to recognize and support me trying to be worthy of their friendship.
Posted by Rob at 09:49 PM | Comments (6)
why we run in the rain
i remember the day that had shaken with thunder and frozen in lightning, that had been drenched by rains. one runner came, and chose to run. we went to the track together, and it was just her and i. i stood, and she ran. the workout was difficult, and she pushed against the resistance and the discomfort, but also against the rain. not everyone pushes as she did against the resistance and discomfort, but she did. and she was the only one that did it in the relentless downpour under dour grey skies. who would you put your money on, in a race? that day was one of my most rewarding as a coach.
but that was before. that was when running and coaching meant everything, before they were quickly and stupidly taken away.
when i run now, the memory of loss beats down on me, presses like high rushing water on my thoughts, exposes, seeps through and widens the cracks in my will, and floods my heart. i hear the things they said, i see backs turned to me, i remember what it was like to feel meaning, and i wonder how real that meaning could really have been. my feet grow waterlogged with sorrow. anger clings to my body, resisting the swiftness of my arms and legs.
but still, with the help of friends, true friends, i venture out, and i learn to run in these conditions, in the current season of my heart. and if i can keep running, it will make me stronger, on the road, and in my life. it's hard, and i decline as much as i accept, but it's all i can do.
so tomorrow, my friends and i are supposed to run, and tonight, the windows rattle slightly with the heavy peals of thunder. my cat sits leaning nervously against my leg. but unless lightning warns us away, we will run and be thankful for the test. instead of staring out the window and feeling helpless and beaten, we'll put ourselves out there, and we just may learn to love the feel of the rain and wind in our faces.
imagine how we'll run when the sun shines.
Posted by Rob at 01:31 AM | Comments (2)
April 03, 2007
see
i want you, my love, to watch me run, to see me,
want to watch me intently
see the measure of me in every stride.
i am not the fastest you'll see,
the heartiest,
the furthest from the starter's gun.
but watch me run and you will see the
heart that races faster than the others,
the mind denying all but what my legs require,
beating furiously to make the best of me,
who i am, paired with who i try to be.
watch my eyes as i tell you why i run,
see the weakness,
see the strength i answer it with.
watch me, and search my eyes,
in my moments of doubt and self-derision.
watch me, see the photos frozen,
the moments caught before they
trickle between our fingers.
if you see, and love what you see,
in those moments captured,
of doubt defeated,
of me giving myself a chance,
and trying to speak to a heart then unknown,
then it is you,
and here i am.
Posted by Rob at 01:05 AM | Comments (3)