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February 27, 2007

morning after

from the 20th floor this morning, the city recedes quickly into mist, moody and gloomy. but i feel ok. beer and doubt don't mix so well. i thought again about deleting last night's post, but i still don't see a point in denying the other side exists, particularly when this morning, this side, the one i've found in the last couple of months with the help of friends and work i find meaning in, is able to emerge from the gloom intact and dominant again.

everything may not be ok, but i can be ok with that.

Posted by Rob at 09:06 AM | Comments (2)

February 26, 2007

back to zero

here we are, back again. i didn't write when i felt good, for that month and a half where things had some sort of meaning. now, through this sort of fog, that meaning loses its edge. right now, struggling to focus on the words on this glowing screen, the things that meant something are now just things i did, processes, activities i engaged in, cause, and effect, dry and hollow and sinister like the husk of a fig.

change, change, change, and it's still the same. run, run, run, and here i still am, no more, maybe less than i imagine.

alcohol flows through my veins, subduing all the false stimulus of joy. here's being bipolar for you... half the time, quiet is a lie. the other half of the time, the noise, the brilliance, are lies. oftentimes, there's nothing meaningful enough to separate one reality from the other.

i've disappointed again, believed again, fear i've lost again. again, again, and again. how will the world look in the morning? what will i see in the blue of the sky and the green of the trees? will i still see hope, and desire, and the future?

i don't know. right now, i don't know, and i don't believe, in myself, or anything. i just have this wobbly drunk feeling in my head and in my heart, the kind you struggle against, when all you really want to do is fall and lie down.

Posted by Rob at 10:20 PM | Comments (0)

February 15, 2007

three minutes of inanity

oh, good lord.

Posted by Rob at 02:30 PM | Comments (2)