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back to zero
February 26, 2007
here we are, back again. i didn't write when i felt good, for that month and a half where things had some sort of meaning. now, through this sort of fog, that meaning loses its edge. right now, struggling to focus on the words on this glowing screen, the things that meant something are now just things i did, processes, activities i engaged in, cause, and effect, dry and hollow and sinister like the husk of a fig.
change, change, change, and it's still the same. run, run, run, and here i still am, no more, maybe less than i imagine.
alcohol flows through my veins, subduing all the false stimulus of joy. here's being bipolar for you... half the time, quiet is a lie. the other half of the time, the noise, the brilliance, are lies. oftentimes, there's nothing meaningful enough to separate one reality from the other.
i've disappointed again, believed again, fear i've lost again. again, again, and again. how will the world look in the morning? what will i see in the blue of the sky and the green of the trees? will i still see hope, and desire, and the future?
i don't know. right now, i don't know, and i don't believe, in myself, or anything. i just have this wobbly drunk feeling in my head and in my heart, the kind you struggle against, when all you really want to do is fall and lie down.
Posted by Rob at February 26, 2007 10:20 PM