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so... now what?
August 24, 2006
ok, so yesterday, the fatigue i've been feeling came to a head, and i got pretty sick and finally had to go home from work. the thing is, i just don't really get sick, so it was a bit bizarre, and at first, i wasn't sure what was happening. by the time i got to the bus stop to get back to my car, i was clearly ill - sweating, but shivering, the whole bit.
as i sat doubled-over on the bus, trying not to catch whiffs of the mumbling guy behind me, i realized again that i needed a job where i wasn't going to just lose money if i needed to miss a day or two.
a few days earlier, stumbling around slightly after my one and probably only attempt at a duathlon (5K run, 30K bike and, oh, hey, let's run 5K again!?), it occurred to me that i couldn't pass out, because i don't have insurance. even with insurance, the Great Round Rock Dehydration Debacle of 2006 resulted in two collection agencies trying to recover almsot $1,000 from me that wasn't covered by the crapsurance that Blue Cross Blue Shield has apparently become.
because i didn't curse, mention drug use, or badmouth my parents in it, i emailed the previous post to my stepfather this morning. he thought it was good, but wondered if i was really that bored at my job.
well, sort of. the thing is, i'm no more bored than i was at my previous grown-up lawyer jobs, and i'm not as angered or appalled on a constant basis, either. but it is particularly meaningless, and doesn't really add anything to my life or who i am as a person, except for a paycheck.
so... what the hell do i do now? there's an opening (again) at the agency i left in march. i can't help but wonder if i could grovel my way back in, on the condition that i wouldn't ever have to do administrative hearings. i think there are people there that would want me back, but i'm not so sure my old boss would be one of them.
it also feels like it would be selling out, giving up. people have seemed genuinely impressed and move by my deciding to leave the law, and following through on it. my life has certainly changed over the last few months, but more important have been the changes in me. my life may not be great or ideal, but i have more of a sense of it being mine. i know what my limitations are, but i better appreciate my strengths, too, and my confidence in who i am and what i have to offer is far greater than it's ever been.
but there's still that future thing. some people, my mother, some friends, try to make me realize that i am an attorney, and that's what i'm going to have to stick to, that i have to do it because i have the degree and i'm good at it.
at the same time, the past few months have proven to me, with surprising ferocity at times, just how burned-out i am. i had an opportunity to help a friend recently, and i feel good about how i dealt with the opposing counsel, possibly one of the most unethical, lying, and competence-impaired lawyers i've had to deal with. but as much as i felt competitive and wanted to beat her, the conflict, and the responsibility i was holding for my friend's well-being tore at me. i can't live like that.
at least in my old job, i was on the side of the state, and it was almost always clearly the right side to be on. i was usually in a position to negotiate and encourage reasonable resolution. when something did bother me, perhaps i had become too personally invested. i enjoyed owning the rulewriting and i even enjoyed the political aspect, to an extent.
the big thing is that i still don't know what else i can do, without going back to school or taking far less money and giving up all hope of financial stability.
there's not a point here. sorry.
i'm open to suggestions...
Posted by Rob at August 24, 2006 03:12 PM
Comments
I think it is time you tried your hand at making a living doing what you love. Writing.
Time to set a goal or two as far as writing something, submit the product like crazy, endure the stack of rejection letters, persist anyway, and start getting things published. The momentum of success will build on itself.
Your current dead end job will allow you to do this and the fact that you will be writing and moving toward a goal of making a living as a writer will give your life greater meaning.
You are a great writer. I personally find your writing and wit similar to, yet funnier than, David Sedaris.
Finally, and perhaps most importantly, let's arrow a deer off your parent's back lawn this October and then eat it.
Posted by: The Great Cornholio at August 24, 2006 04:14 PM
hi!, i agree, not that you want MY imput, not like i'm anywhere special,but anyways, i think you should do what you are passionate about and that will bring in money sooner or later... if you put into writing the passion and care that you do for your blog, things will work out.. the universe functions by rewarding people that follow their passions, what they really care about, don't worry about the money thing , i don't think at this point, it's not like you're fifty, and have to worry about retiring soon or anything, you have plenty of time and don't need to be tainted by that pressure....check out this site, i don'tknow if it's something you would have any interest in....http://www.nanowrimo.org/ i have that book, "no plot, no problem", didn't do much with it...(my fault, not the book's, i think it might be good) if you email me your address i'll send it to you!!
ok, just my little ol' opinion...
Posted by: allison williams at August 24, 2006 07:54 PM
Only you know what is best for you. Follow your gut (natural instinct)...it's best when your head (logic: "Oh I need insurance") and your heart(emotions: "I hate being an attorney") are in conflict.
Posted by: Tricia at August 24, 2006 10:22 PM