« frog and drum | Main | stand by »
just
August 10, 2006
why did i even ask the questions, about this, about anything?
is it too much?
what will it say?
what if it's wrong?
will my parents raise hell?
what will they think?
did adam or eric or wade or phil (panther) ask those questions? no. but that's why they're them, and not me, and why in so many ways, because of the biggest and the most mundane decisions they've made, they seem so far ahead.
they just do. they have their fears, too, but theirs don't seem set so far back, so primitive, so stunting. they are people, with lives they created, with personalities actualizing by the day.
they do. and it's all i've ever wanted - to be me, to act out the choices generated by who i am, who i want to be, and who i can be.
the voices have been there all my life, but i've always asked the questions, and let the fears rule. but, the voices persisted:
get up and sing.
tell them what's wrong with you.
let the voices out.
get in the car and drive.
ask her for her number.
pick up the shaver - it'll grow back.
run, just run.
tell her you love her.
tell her you don't.
don't quit.
quit.
say "no more."
say, "this is not who i am."
say, "look, this is me."
find a new job.
handle the ball.
take the shot.
live.
this is yours.
this is mine.
tonight, i got home, full of courage not only from the alcohol at the happy hour, but from the undeniable force of recent events, of all the voices in my past that tried to encourage me to listen to and obey my own voices, of new voices in my life that have found me and buoyed me in these past few months.
tonight, i got home, showered the salt off of my skin from the run. i want to see some of my old football coaches. they wouldn't recognize me. i play and coach basketball. i run marathons. i'm not fast, but i can push myself harder and faster than i ever could. soon, i'll coach others to do the same, to listen to their own voices, the ones that tell them to run, to believe in what they want to accomplish, to believe in what their bodies and minds and hearts can do, to not accept what they've been told, what they see in the mirror, what they believe they can do.
tonight, i got home, showered, ran my fingers through my still-wet hair, got out, turned up radiohead playing in the other room, pulled down the small black bag, and in minutes, all my doubt lay dark and lifeless in the sink. it was all shed with a sort of anger, it all fell away with a sense of relief and release.
it's only hair.
but this - this is my life.
it's all i have.
Posted by Rob at August 10, 2006 01:40 AM
Comments
It's only hair...it'll be fine.
I'm a bit more concerned about the permanent changes going on with my body. We're expecting triplets in November. I don't think I'll ever look the same again.
Posted by: Sheila at August 10, 2006 05:51 PM
I have always hated the voices that I hear (from other people, usually) telling me that I can't/shouldn't do something.
That is usually the time I decide that I'm going to do the thing they think I can't do...just to show that person that s/he doesn't know me.
Good job, Rob! Can't wait to see the new look.
Posted by: Jane at August 10, 2006 10:18 PM
Congratulations and you look great! :)
Posted by: Tricia at August 10, 2006 10:48 PM
I want to see!
Posted by: Jori at August 12, 2006 12:02 AM
Hey, i was thinking of you and thought i would check out your site, see what's new, excited to read more, drop me a line sometime, allwillster@gmail.com
Posted by: allison williams at August 14, 2006 02:51 PM
hey, i don't know if i did this right, i don't knw what i'm supposed to put in the url box. was thinking of you , so thought i'd check your site, see what you've been up to, been way too long since i read it, i don't know what's wrong with me,, i would love to hear from you, allwillster@gmail.com
Posted by: allison williams at August 14, 2006 03:16 PM
oops, now they'r both on there, didn't realize i did it right the first time!!ha sorry
Posted by: allison williams at August 14, 2006 03:18 PM
Okay, this is ridiculous. Your hair will be longer than mine by the time you update your blog at this rate. Sheesh!
Posted by: Ami at August 16, 2006 09:15 AM
yeah, yeah, i know. been busy. wrote something the other night, and the computer ate it. wrote something yesterday, but i'm not happy with it. and i'm not sure exactly when i'll be able to get on it...
Posted by: rob at August 16, 2006 09:16 AM