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together forever
July 10, 2006
"fly me to the moon" played in another part of the museum, and i imagined the little figurine, dating from one of the early ancient egyptian dynasties, resonating slightly with the music.
part of my mind was switched on - i felt the confluence of so many points in time, so many lives, on this one moment. a piece of clay in the likeness of a goddess, molded by a common man thousands of years ago to rest in the tomb of a queen, now sitting clean and pristine in a climate-controlled glass case in san antonio, texas, humming slightly in harmonic sympathy with the band that played in the other room for the wedding of a friend of mine, the ceremony itself steeped in maronite tradition, delivered partially in aramaic or some other archaic biblical language.
and me, standing there, smaller worlds struggling and writhing against each other, trying to assert dominance, trying to establish who i would be at that moment.
i tried to read the card for the figurine. the gravity of time and history compressed within it pulled at me, but so did the tidal forces in my own heart and mind. i read each sentence over and over, trying to establish control over my own senses. this is what it's like. to some extent, it's about sucking it up, toughing it out, staying positive, having faith, seeking help, taking medication. but winning, or holding my ground, just means the struggle isn't as obvious to the people around me - it doesn't mean it's not being waged.
my friends were nearby. i wanted to be with them, and they make it easy to be with them, despite all the noise in my head. but i want more. i want to be that best me again. i want to have the mind that is firing off so well that i'm fun and funny, the kid that used to love watching a younger robin williams go off because he could see and understand what was happening in his head, could make the seemingly random connections that comedy is made of.
i wanted to be good-looking. i wanted to be smooth. i wanted to be like billy and slide in with the band. i wanted these people, on this night, to see who i am and what i could do.
but what i needed was for it all to quiet down, to let me get a handle on things. i couldn't think, couldn't be myself. this is what it's like, but it's worse in some situations.
beer and music and friends, repeat, repeat, and repeat. with time, and yeah, with the alcohol, the mind slowed, quieted a little, and i was able to join my friends, dance a little, sing a little with them, talk to people, be a little more myself.
battle won. it doesn't seem that significant, when so much is sketchy about my career, finances, mind. but few wins could be so important. i had my friends, they had me. i had, i have love. i had glimpses of me, and i'll keep trying to beat back the demons, and on another day, another night, maybe i'll be that kid, that guy, that man, that me. i have to remember this night to know that the evasive reason the struggle is worthwhile exists only in those moments, and in the memory of it.
Posted by Rob at July 10, 2006 09:05 PM
Comments
You will get through this...even if it is moment to moment...
Posted by: Tricia at July 15, 2006 03:46 PM