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i
July 06, 2006
it seems that the past few times i've walked from the new apartment down the couple of blocks to the cafe, it's rained.
i've been lost. friends thought, like i did, that things were improving, but suddenly, beginning sometime last week, they weren't.
the past couple of days have been struggles. struggles to stay quiet in my seat, not to stand and scream, not to cry, not to walk quietly away. i see myself and how i feel and who i'm being, and i hate it, but i can't find or generate or confabulate the energy and will to change it. my body, soul and mind feel like they're in a deep gravity well, straining to keep their form.
i hate this, and it makes me hate myself all the more.
i skipped the workout yesterday. i declined the invite to go out with the visiting attorneys at work. this morning, i heard the stories about last night, and once again, i saw myself standing far away, watching the others, and i'm the only one who can see the ghost of the person i really am, laughing, having fun, being fun, flirting, being interesting and attractive.
i meant to run tonight, but couldn't get myself to do it. i didn't want to eat. the idea of food nauseated me, but i was hungry for something, too, real or virtual, to fill the space.
at about 10, i went to kerbey lane cafe. several times, i stopped, thinking there would be nothing i'd want to eat. i ended up there, nevertheless.
i sat alone at the bar, and it was as psychedelic an experience as i've had. i watched a pitcher left under a water tap, felt the anxiety unbearable as it was left to overrun. i sat and wanted to cry. i sat and fought the urge to rest my cheek against the metal pole to my left, to feel the comfort in its solid coolness. i tried to shake away the image that flashed into my head of smashing my head repeatedly against the same pole, and i could almost feel that same coolness mixed with the warmth of my own blood.
i finished half the sandwich and homefries, with difficulty, paid my bill and walked out into the rain. it was cold. i looked down at the asphalt before me, and the rain blew across it rhythmically and consistently, like the rolling of our old television when the horizontal hold began to go out. roll, roll, roll.
i walked up to my own building, and water rolled over the soles of my sandals, whispering across the bottoms of my feet. to my right, in hte gap between the buildings, i heard the creek run, and another vision, peaceful this time, of me floating in it, still, but carried along by dark, cool, clean water, the smooth rush and burbling sounding deep in my eardrums, but unheard.
Posted by Rob at July 6, 2006 11:03 PM
Comments
Have you ever read "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron? Find bodhichitta.
Posted by: Rose at July 7, 2006 01:43 AM
I hate that I understand this.
Posted by: A at July 10, 2006 08:43 AM
I understand these feelings yet I still hurt for you.
Posted by: Tricia at July 15, 2006 03:40 PM