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call and response

July 17, 2006

this blog has, as i've pointed out, veered so far away from what i originally intended for it. i foresaw a forum for me write on a daily basis, to entertain. the megalomaniac in me saw my friends telling their friends, them telling others, and so on and so on, until the thing took on a life of its own and somebody would pay me to write, and i'd live happily ever after.

as i sti writing, this has clearly not occurred.

a lot of it's my own fault - i became enamored with the ease of confessionalism here, with the release, with the indulgence, perhaps, of everything that roils in my heart and my head.

there is no denying that an element of that is a cry out to be heard and understood, maybe for easy solutions. the downside of that is that i'm a bit ashamed of my lack of shame, at my openness, and at the things i feel. and, i'm ashamed when it makes my friends worry.

one great friend wrote a long email to me last week. she's an amazing person - another lawyer who just quit it all, except that she has the strength and focus and yes, faith, to commit herself to working for others. her strength is in Christ, and in that regard, she's in the minority of my friends. while my own spiritual beliefs are perhaps not entirely orthodox, many of the people i love mistakenly call themselves aetheists, driven away from faith by the real-world stupidity and corruption that seems to naturally overcome religion whenever a lot of people get involved.

one person i think of the most is someone i love and respect, a father of a best friend, who lived around the corner from bat-shit crazy andrea yates, the woman who claimed that God told her to drown her children in the bathtub.

it's hard not to blame someone for the acts of their followers, even God.

i think it's sad. anyway, i finally responded to my friend, and i think there are other friends and readers i need to say this too, as well...

------

I hate that I've waited so long to respond, but I haven't wanted to
just throw down a hurried answer. As it is, this will still not be as
thorough as I'd like.

There's definitely no offense taken. I love that you care enough to
share all this with me.

Here's the thing - I've chosen my burdens. There are a few things that
are a little outside my control, like the psychiatric issues. But even
with that, there's shelter to be had, medications that could shut a
lot of it down. I could choose not to care what my parents have to say
about my life, or about how others do and don't see me, and as hard as it is, it is ultimately a matter of choosing to have the strength to do so.

My spiritual beliefs are not readily apparent, but they are a central
guiding force. I'd like to think that seeming paradox exists because
I've successfully integrated my faith and my view of the world. It's
hard to believe, given the way I feel, the way I think and criticize,
but I see nothing but miracles.

Science brought me my faith during my undergrad years, in the simple
realization that if something exists, then something must comprehend
it. Later, I realized things through some science fiction, oddly
enough. I knew that power and omniscience are meaningless unless they
are one with a moral force. Without love and compassion, the most
powerful being imaginable is nothing more than just that - a powerful
being, certainly not worth loyalty or worship or study. And that
cannot be.

I also realized that our divisions of the supernatural and natural,
miracles and simple laws of nature, are arbitrary and primitive. Why
is scientific prediction different The existence of bark on a tree is
just as much a miracle as the transmutation of water into wine.

my issue is that i believe i have failed the miracles, the possible destinies i had been given. that is a burden that has to be my responsibility.

I believe in forgiveness as a critical article of faith. We can all
seek forgiveness from each other, from our parents, from society, but
when remorse is true, none of that should be enough to absolve us of
sorrow and guilt - we need something more powerful. We need the universe itself to understand and forgive us. There is, indeed no way to salvation but through that one overarching, unified force.

This is just scratching the surface of my beliefs. I don't really feel
doubt about them, though they are clearly matters of faith. I think
you know that I've also learned a lot from some zen ideas, which I
feel work hand in hand with Christian principles.

And, of course, I have a few friends that keep me grounded in my
spirituality as much as anything else, and you have become one of
those over the past couple of years.

I don't mean to concern you - I'm touched by your concern, but I also
feel bad about it. It is important for me that you know that I'm not
lost. I know where my soul is, and what's truly important out of this
life, and that it's those matters of the heart and soul that, at the
end of the day, are the only things that truly matter.

I have it in my head that at some point, I'm going to write about my
beliefs. I've talked to people about them, and I feel like maybe it
can be helpful, as helpful as what you've said is to me. My way may
not look and sound exactly the same, but have faith in me - I want to,
and believe that I am, and know that I could aspire to no better, than
to walk that path with you.

rob

Posted by Rob at July 17, 2006 09:33 PM

Comments

Posted by: Mike (Wiley Coyote) at July 18, 2006 10:18 PM

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