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half of what i am is all that i am
April 06, 2006
one more night,
god, i've had to fight
to keep my line of sight
on what's real.
one more day,
i fear i've lost my way,
i don't know how to say what i feel.
someone better hurry,
i'm all alone.
and i keep breakin' down,
breakin' down,
you know.
no one ever told me,
to be on my own,
and i keep breakin' down,
breakin' down,
you know.
tom petty - one more night
i'm here trying to figure out where and what it is, where it lives. i'm here, sitting at the bar, the spot at the end. the bar is a slab of concrete, and it feels cool, and clean, the beveled edge just pleasantly rough under my wrists.
i'm here, drinking a beer, headphones on, trying to draw it out, trying to remember exactly what it is. the determined charge against the will of my own heart over the past few days weakened and failed today, and i slept, and i watched a movie that tried to speak against the hands pressed to my ears.
i'm here, with a pale ale, and dylan in my ears, and the bar and coffeehouse before me and the warehouse district's bustle beyond, and i still just can't put a name to what i feel.
at some point, a while back, i began to feel guilty was writing so much about the things i felt and thought. i feared the truth repetition seemed to reveal, despised what that said about me. i felt guilty about the truth, about letting my heart speak. so, i just stopped writing about what i felt, and where i was. and in the process, i sort of stopped thinking much about what i felt, and i stopped looking around me to see where i was. i stopped listening to the words in songs. i looked down to avoid the burning gaze of what i feel, and what i miss, and what i fear, and what i've done. i stopped knowing why i was crying.
i've done all that before, and i lost myself. it's something i can't afford to do now, when i am adrift in so many other ways.
i know some things. i still have a hard time holding on to happiness. i can't stop wanting to prove something to everyone, even though it never seems to be enough for me. i am still full of anger. i am still full of questions, and sometimes empty of hope. i still believe in a god, but i believe that this fight is mine. i know that the latest move in my life, quitting my job and stepping into nothingness, is last-ditch, and if it fails, then that may be the end.
and i still want her, even though it's not Her. the hole in me is still so much the place where love, one love, would be. i'm still the guy that wrote this, and this, and this.
so, i don't know where it will end, or what i'll write tomorrow, but this has to be the whole story, not just half of it. i am, as my friend sherri would say, the bipolar bear.
so there. and there.
oh, wait - there i am.
Posted by Rob at April 6, 2006 11:13 PM