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stand by
March 06, 2006
too much going on in my head, and i'm drunk, and i'm tired.
i will tell you this.
my friend listened to everything. i was still shaking from the conversation i'd had half an hour earlier. i had to hold the phone together carefully, even though the battery had heated up enough to be uncomfortable. i rarely drop my phone. in fact, i think i may never have dropped a phone in years, other than brushing it off the nightstand onto the carpet.
tonight, though, it hurtled through the air, punctuating the end of the conversation it had just played an innocent role in. its flight fell short of alleviating equal measures of rage and pain and frustration, smashing instead against the wall like evil knievel's rocket against the far wall of the snake river canyon.
the explosion was similar, pieces showering everywhere. i pieced it together, and tried to turn it on. nothing.
all my numbers are in the phone. increasingly, we are losing the ability to remember phone numbers, because there are so damned many, and because we only have to hear them once, when we first program them into our cell phones.
when i made my brief visit to the hospital lately, i realized that without my cell phone, there were only a couple of numbers that were appropriate to call, and that i remembered offhand. yet, the other night, i ran into the younger sister of one of my high school friends. we talked about the neighborhood, and phone numbers came up, and i still remembered many of them. weird.
but tonight, when my phone seemed to be finally, clinically dead, a fear actually hit me. i was cut off, alone, at exactly the time i didn't need to be. i kept trying, and eventually, it came to life, though not all the buttons work.
i made a couple of calls. i got one of my friends. she listened, sympathized, and then, being a psychologist, asked me what one thing i would change in my life, if i could.
the answer was immediate, but it sounded, sounds, weak, and corny, and seemingly so unrelated to everything else going on right now. the conversation had been with my mother. very different. but it was just that much more, a situation added to a poorly-timed announcement added to my own decision. bad things, chosen or not, in threes.
but all these things were just part of the big picture, a reminder of the answer to my friend's question. after long seconds, and stuttering: "to not be, or feel, alone in all this."
i have the best friends in the world. friends today and tonight kept me afloat as the tide continued to roll in relentlessly. my friends pick up pieces of me, hold up pieces of me. they go above and beyond, but while they never complain or mention it, they have their own lives, their own problems. this is what friends do.
but to have that one person that is there...
is that wrong? i quote aimee mann a lot. it's because she's fucking brilliant. i kept hearing one line from her latest album: "they think that by sharing the burden, they'll lighten the load."
she doesn't seem to buy it. i still don't know.
rambling. going to bed.
Posted by Rob at March 6, 2006 03:23 AM
Comments
210-323-7378
Use it when you want to!
Posted by: Marc at March 6, 2006 04:18 PM