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horton survives the race

February 10, 2006

for those readers not in my running group: a few weeks ago, while running repeats in zilker, i was thinking about climbing into the back of one of our coach's honda crv, covering myself with a blanket, and trying to keep my whimpering quiet until we got back to run-tex.

as it turns out, i was too large to fit. but i did find a copy of "horton hatches the egg," by dr. seuss, which i had never read. gabby read some of it to us at the happy hour, and started applying it to our team before we were distracted by the delivery of beers to our table. thusly was this project "hatched." it will likely make very little sense to anyone.

sighed janie and gabby, psycho coaches before a race:
"we must spread the word,
of marathon goal pace,
of straights and curves and synthetic shirts.
it's nuts! how we love it!
we'll make people hurt!
they'll all bitch and moan while we inflict great pain,
they'll become like us - completely insane!"

they'll all think it's great until we kick their ass."
then the students all showed, for their very first class.

"hello!" janie called out, in her sharp nike frees,
"26.2 is a ways... ok, well, not for me,
but we'll teach you to run it with... minimal ease."

a mastodon laughed.
"why, of all silly things!
i'm built like a brick and... really slow things.
ME run a marathon? Why, that doesn't make sense...
The race is so long, and my butt's freakin' immense!"

"tut, tut," answered janie, (which she'd never really say)
"i'm sure you can do it. you'll blow it away.
just come out on Wednesday. i'll go easy, i swear.
don't be a loser. you've already lost hair."

"i can't," said another.
"come ONNNN!" teased the girl.
"all the cool kids do it. just give it a whirl.

we'll have a great time, we'll be the P'Dipps."
"well, crap," said the runner, "but you read my lips:

i have expectations. they all must be met.
no pointing and laughing at how much I sweat.
i'll give it my best. and i'll drink lots of beer."

"got that covered," said gabby, "it's always near."

"hmmm... the first thing to do," murmured many,
"of course -
the first thing to do is to buy some new shorts
that won't chafe my thighs - God knows how they rub.
it can be quite painful, the dark curse of chub."

then gradually,
cautiously,
painfully, began
the mornings and weeknights when they doggedly ran.

sometimes they griped, "this shit is getting old."
but they ran
and they ran
and they ran
and they ran.

and they ran many days,
and practiced their form...
and they ran through dark nights
through annoying storms.
it poured and shoes soggened!
gu made bowels rumble!
"this really f-ing sucks,"
the poor runners grumbled.
"i wish she'd let up
'cause my couch i do miss.
i can't believe that i paid for all this..."

but janie and gabby, they weren't done yet,
and the runners suspected some sadistic bet
between their coaches, and many believed that the truth,
was a conspiracy that went as high as sisson, carolyn, and ruth.

so the p-dipps kept running on, day after day.
and soon it was winter, though autumn stayed.
they ran straights and curves .. the damn-ed repeats!
one day, the girls -
they all learned how to pee.

so the runners kept running, their mantra became:
"i'll crush that damned race, and keep my head in the game.
'cause i meant what i said,
from this i won't steer:
a p'dipp is stubborn
and can drink lots more beer!"

and after a while of their long training capers,
they came at last to the mysterious taper.
"slow it down!" coaches shouted,
and some people feared
they'd lose all their mojo
as the marathon neared.
workouts got shorter, still they sipped on cold brews,
and they got the idea to mangle doc seuss.

then... RACE DAY.
the thousands all were lined up,
and the pavement lightly drummed with empty paper cups
(alternative line: "though long ago someone had left with the cup")
the p-dipps ran drills, stretched, said their "good lucks,"
and heard muffled speeches from muckety-mucks.
then the horn blared out, a bad medley did play,
and the p-dipps fell into their pace right away.

they motored through four miles, and six miles, and ten,
they remembered that race in that miserable wind.

and then fourteen miles came
all still running well...
it was nothing compared
to steve's "run from hell."

twenty miles came, and they began to recall,
some sort of strange talk about some sort of "wall."

but something had been found in training's rough course:
and they remembered the repeats, remembered the source
of insistent persistence, and something not lame,
that janie had taught: "keep your head in the game!"

twenty-three... twenty-four
and 2.2 miles more...

and the finish appeared, right across from the store!
dozens and hundreds of people were cheering,
and we all took heart at the finish line nearing.
p-dipp chips tripped the finish line mats!
BIG MEDALS
AND BIG SMILES
AND NOT ONE HAD GONE "PLATZ!"

janie and gabby both huzzahed, "look at our freaks run!"
they smiled! and they clapped as we finished one by one!
then they cheered and we beered and we beered more and more,
our coaches had had faith in us long months before -
"we knew it, we told you! you're marathoners now!"
we said, "yeah, you made us
as nutty as you two, somehow!

and you knew it, you knew this! it went down like that!
because p'dipps rock harder! you coached and we ran!
we kicked all the ass,
and you got us all here."

... and we thanked janie and
gabby...
and drank some more beer!

Posted by Rob at February 10, 2006 01:47 AM

Comments

Posted by: Janie at February 10, 2006 04:07 PM

Posted by: KG at February 10, 2006 08:16 PM

Posted by: Myra at February 12, 2006 02:10 PM

Posted by: Jane at February 13, 2006 01:12 PM

Posted by: Gabby at April 6, 2006 03:41 PM

Posted by: mel at October 16, 2006 09:20 PM

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