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clarifications
December 20, 2005
ok. so a certain someone was concerned today, after reading the work of mostly fiction this morning, that perhaps i had at some point tried crank. not so concerned about my desire to kill someone with a pesto-laden plastic spatula, soil myself, or drool. she was concerned that maybe i had done crank. now granted, because fact gave rise to that piece of fiction, some clarification might be in order.
1. the Whistler exists. he was there at the coffeeshop saturday morning, though i was able to mostly ignore him, since i wasn't making sandwiches. furthermore, everything i said about him is true, except that, to the best of my knowledge, he has only told amber about one restraining order a woman had placed against him.
interestingly, as i sat at the bar last night trying to figure out how to write myself into a home for the mentally ill, the Whistler strolls in. i had never seen him there at night. as soon as he came through the door, the story began to come out, and i was banging away at the keyboard.
of course, he comes and sits right next to me. i nodded at him, and turned my ipod up. my laptop's screen was perpendicular to his line of sight, but, without saying anything, he leaned over to look at the screen. freak. i don't think there was anything there yet for him to put together. i also don't really care.
to continue...
2. amber is indeed from minnesota. she is indeed odd, but in mostly interesting and not off-putting ways.
3. amber does harbor a deep and abiding love for me, but it is so deeply hidden that it doesn't actually exist.
4. i have never been in the trunk of a car.
5. i have never tried crank. i can't even recall what it's active ingredients are, or how it's ingested. i think it's a powder.
6. if i did want to try crank, i have no doubt i could buy it from some 15 year-old westlake kid, who might indeed play lacrosse.
7. this bakery is really extremely good. their cinnamon buns are incredible.
8. i have never actually listened to tuvan throat singer music. i would also never willingly listen to conservative talk radio, even to save the lives of myself and my family.
9. there is a syrup flavor called "orgeat." apparently it's made from almonds, sugar and rose water or orange-flower water. a bottle of orgeat would not be my weapon of choice to kill someone in a coffeeshop with, though. my top methods would include: drowning someone in the crock pot of tomato-basil bisque; dragging someone to the espresso machine, jamming the steaming wand into an orifice, and turning it on full blast; asphyxiating them with the tapioca pearls for the damned, damned bubble tea; or a simple blow to the head with the decaf coffee urn.
10. the bit about screaming "i'm intangible" was actually lifted from a story written by, i believe, gary hatch, in our eighth-grade english class. to avoid plagiarism, i will be changing "intangible" to "impermeable." not as good, but i'm a straight-up guy, and i don't want to share any royalties.
11. i can, in fact, whistle along with anything coltrane plays. but i don't.
12. the person that thinks i might have actually tried crank is, in fact, a blonde.
13. there was a "law and order: svu" marathon on usa network sunday. i only watched a couple of episodes as i moaned quietly to myself after a particularly hideous 18 mile run. i had hot chocolate, not quik, and a freebird's monster burrito, not tacos.
14. ADA cabot was such a hard-ass because i rebuffed her advances. ADA novak changed her hair color because i withheld sexual activity until she did. i did not mention these things in the piece, but they do need to be brought to light.
15. it is actually my roommate that regularly crashes on the couch, watches law and order: svu all day, but refuses to pay for cable. when i threaten to have it disconnected, she shrugs and says, "that's ok, i don't pay for it anyway."
16. i have held myself out in public, but no one was looking at the time.
17. if katherine hepburn came to me, i would stop whatever i was doing, including drooling and faking catatonia. she was the shit.
the rest of the story is mostly true.
Posted by Rob at December 20, 2005 01:05 PM