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anger
December 10, 2005
I said, anger
will make you sick, child,
oh Jesus,
anger
destroys your soul...
marvin gaye
i'm sorry, father marvin. you were wise in your way, and i know you're right. but sometimes, anger is all we have. and this is the song in my heart...
i said anger,
is what i need
to survive.
anger
to keep what's left of me alive.
anger
it's what i have -
it's mine.
anger,
when being good can't hold the line.
anger
it's what i know,
what i've learned, in the end.
anger,
and it's about time, my friends.
i said anger,
turn the failures
into rage.
anger,
can help me get out of this cage.
anger,
it's just for me,
not for you.
anger,
cause i don't do the things you do.
and anger,
the things i'll do
in my rage,
anger
will make me finally turn a page.
more and more, i try, i fail, and anger is left. hope and logic periodically, and increasingly, fail to be convincing, to be worthy of faith. but there's always the anger left.
when i play basketball, when i run, i want to hurt. i want to beat myself, hurt myself, because i hate what i've become, and i want to destroy myself as some act of repentance. i want my lungs to fail me, to suffocate the person i see in the mirror. i want my heart to explode, i want pain to cut me, to bleed my heart of the weakness.
on some days, i run with hope, but on many days, i run from anger, and i push myself harder, faster. i am no masochist - i deserve to suffer for my failures, for my weakness, but i'd rather inflict it by my own will.
i run another half marathon sunday, in dallas. i want to enjoy it. i want to perform well. but tonight, i am reminded anew of failure and weakness, and the dwindling of moments, and i am angry. all night long, the mantra was, "run angry. run angry. run angry. run angry."
sunday won't be here soon enough.
Posted by Rob at December 10, 2005 03:18 AM