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still there (here)
November 21, 2005
last monday, i think it was, i walked into the coffeeshop, and amelia, looking slightly confused, said/asked, "you look happy./?"
i'm still in the space i found myself in ten days ago, that metaphorical eye of the storm. the staying power of the mood and optimism this time is unusual. i have to wonder - did i end up there as the consequence of some upward trend, an event, a series of events, a chemical change? or was it some original cause in itself: a choice; determination's payoff; a blessing?
there was the promise of something new, maybe. the "one you probably won't hear about." the friendship is there. common ground. that much is mutual. i've consciously kept myself mostly in denial about anything further, but it's been nice. someone to talk to, to be with. it gets me a step closer to believing. i've gotten so far away from imagining being close to someone, no matter how much i know i want that.
did this help me get to this place? or did getting to this place help us get together, help me relax more and be myself? i suspect it's a vicious circle, but a nice one.
in this time, i also got my legs back. I ran the race for the cure that first sunday, and the legs just weren't there. for the first time, i didn't let it get to me. it was just one race, one day, and i knew i hadn't prepared myself for it. i also knew that i was surrounded on that day by so much more importance, that i was lucky to run, lucky to have my friends, lucky that so many people care about a cause that might, will, someday eradicate a killer.
i picked back up on the training, and i felt strong again. yesterday, i ran the Motive Half Marathon. 13.1 miles of the hardest course i've seen yet, period. i set a reasonable goal of 2:15, a high goal of 2:10. my previous best, in february, was 2:26:38.
i finished at 2:10:04, even with taking about a minute to stop to pee. my form was good throughout, and i was in control almost to the end, though i crashed in the last couple of miles, something that'll be easy to beat.
last week, i was introduced by a friend to someone. given the self-imposed denial and iffiness of my time with the "one you probably won't hear about," i stayed open minded, and again, i think i've made a friend, at least. she's a swimmer, she bikes, and she's just getting into the running. we rode together to the race yesterday, and this morning, excited about her performance, she suggested we do the dallas white rock half marathon in december. i'm down. on that course, i think i can beat the two hour mark.
my life hasn't changed in ten days. i don't know that my mind has, that my brain has, or even that my heart has. i don't think i'm holding out hopes of anything great happening. maybe it's the zen outlook that i wish i were disciplined enough to always be happy with - that the universe is giving me little bits along the way, a trail of tidbits that are just enough to make me a little happy, a little content, and keep me moving on to the next one.
whatever it is, it's keeping me here in the calm center of that storm that i can still see swirling around me.
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i'm out tonight. i'll drink just enough to loosen things up, and i'm on the writing. the chronicle has its short story contest up again. i entered it years ago, to no avail. we'll see what we can do this time.
Posted by Rob at November 21, 2005 06:04 PM