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this (last) week in rob, part two -
October 27, 2005
hey, don't be worried, i don't mean it's my "last" week. i mean last week, the one preceding this one, even though, at the time, "last week" was "this week." but that was a week ago. anyway, this just didn't get put up last thursday... not "the" last thursday, just... last thursday.
what a morning of outstanding stupidity. i was rushing to get
something together for our meetings this morning, the first of which
was at 11.
at about 10:45, my computer crashes, and i lose some of
what i was working on. i get it put back together. then, at about
10:50, the fire alarm goes off. we're out there for at least 30
minutes.
i strayed away from my coworkers. one friend broke away from her political responsibilities with our visiting board members to come ask me what was up. we chatted. i told her about my decision. she was happy, but understood it was sort of a mixed proposition for me.
i saw a girl i had met a couple of weeks ago. i went and talked to her, and here's what i learned in a few minutes time of standing on the curb with her:
- very funny, with a quick and acerbic wit;
- even cuter than i remembered;
- a tremendous flirt, who was paying particular attention to the tall dps trooper in the sunglasses;
- a burberry purse.
all i needed to know. she drifted away, leaving me standing awkwardly alone among strangers. i'd been feeling bitter about my job this morning, so i put on my ipod and sat on the curb away from everyone and did indulged my disaffected lawyer feelings, while being careful not to let them bleed into other areas of my life.
i had another really good, tough running workout last night. i'm
bonding a little with people there. i can't start thinking that i suck
in other ways. that's how i get into trouble.
they called us back in. i took the stairs backup to the eighth floor.
i get to my office and try to finish up. the fire alarm goes off.
our alarm system is really run by idiots. we go through spates of
multiple fire alarms, interspersed with weeks of testing that causes
the shrieking alarms to go off for several minutes before they tell us
it was a malfunction, or a test.
so, everyone gave up and went to lunch. i still don't feel like
dealing with work people, so i'm here at the coffeeshop having a
hummus wrap and salad.
i'm not going to take the job. i do want to be aborbed in something i
care about, and i do want to and can work hard, but it's not going to
be as an attorney. a lot of people just don't understand that. it's
just not what i want my life to be.
my problem now at my current job is not feeling particularly
appreciated by everyone. as bad as my self-image is, i have this ego
problem. at most places i've worked, i've been the golden boy, loved
socially, impressing people with my abilities. i've screwed that up to
some extent here, but there are still abilities i have that are
special and undeniable. i've got one good friend there that goes above
and beyond to make me feel that way. many of the board members have
made me feel that way, and i even feel positively singled out
sometimes. but talking to my boss yesterday, i just felt that he
thinks i'm easily replaceable. i don't deal well with that in any area
of my life - work, writing, basketball, music, relationships. it makes
me ugly.
so, i'm staying, and i'll try to do my best work, but it's not to
please anyone else, it's so i can, when i do leave, say, "fuck you
guys, good luck replacing me."
Posted by Rob at October 27, 2005 01:47 PM