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recent history up to last thursday, part one...
October 09, 2005
all two of you might have noticed a lack of, well, effort here lately.
it's not that there haven't been things to talk about. it's more about obstacles, and yes, a lack of effort. it just hasn't been in me the last couple of weeks. even this, which should be nothing more than a simple recitation, is a matter of fits and starts, half-truths and concealments poorly phrased, all cut and no paste.
then there's the recurrent lack of alcohol. i've been trying not to drink as much for a couple of weeks, frustrated by my inability to lose weight, despite my return to more frequent and longer runs, and a little more dietary discipline.
we've been over the alcohol thing before. it just pulls me out of moving into the future, so i can feel this now, and look back a bit. tonight, i got out of the apartment, and out of the mire that i had sunk into all day. i'm outside on the patio at fado's, away from the annoying pseudo-irish band blaring inside, out here in the first tease of what god gives us in the way of "autumn" here in texas. and i've got a harp.
oddly, the writing has also suffered a bit from the ditching of the weights i had taken up and then staggered under for so long. don't get me wrong - it's been fantastic. i'm no longer just a bundle of obligations, strung together by stress and complaint.
at the same time, i'm a little lost. unbound, there's some loss of the urgency to vent, like all that weight is no longer pressing it out of me. it's also one less thing that drives me to drink (see obstacle one).
all that is not to say that i'm not still feeling things, or not still analyzing everything that happens. most of you know me better than that. but many of those feelings have even been a bit upended lately. there's been dating, you know. there's been one person in particular that for the first time in years, really grabbed me. i've been thinking that she grabbed me in every way i might have imagined, even though i think i knew i was wrong. some part of me always knows, but i don't always listen, do i? i think that's the case with a lot of us.
the attraction was the easy part - that's definitely there. i came out of our first date with skeptical, but i adhered to my friend daryl's three-date rule. she's usually right about these things. the experience was different, and exciting, really, because this girl is somewhat shy, yet confident. every time we went out, she opened up a bit more, and i saw more of her sense of humor, her seeming interest in me, and her heart.
even the physicality of this experience opened up slowly. the first date, she stayed well ahead of me when i walked her to her door. the second time, i surprised her with a hug. the third, she surprised me with a better hug. the fourth time, she surprised me again (hey, she just barely beat me to it) with the lightest of kisses.
i began to imagine her and me becoming one of those couple-things i saw, people moving through space and time together, whether momentarily in comfort or argument, passion or indifference. i always have a hard time seeing me as one of those guys, and i always covet their partners, not as girls, but as their partners.
but did we connect, and would we? that was the doubt. i was able to get through the doubt just with the momentum of the magical, improbable double-whammy of me liking her and her liking me back.
thursday night, we met after work for drinks and sushi, happy hour at kyoto downtown. she seemed a little disconnected on the phone. when she met me, she mentioned being a bit cranky. things seemed fine, though. we drank kirin light, had conch and tuna and salmon and some rolls.
i walked her back to her car. we had talked about getting together saturday, but when i brought it up, she was somewhere else. the briefest of hugs, and she left.
i walked back up to the street, and the world, and the feeling in my chest, seemed familiar again. some things are just what they are, and some people are just what they are.
i called this attorney that was in town and had wanted me to join him for drinks. he said he was picking up his daughter, and that they'd join me. i walked to the bar, and i looked at all the couples, and then i didn't.
and then, things got weird...
Posted by Rob at October 9, 2005 09:40 PM
Comments
can a brother get a call back?
Posted by: mdbatty at October 10, 2005 04:55 PM