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matrices
October 10, 2005
a crash, the situation building, the impact, and careening aftermath all taking place quietly in my room, in the comforting isolation of darkness and soft sheets.
one voice remains calm, looking at the whole picture, trying to figure out why this is all happening, why the other voices are saying the things they're saying right now, asking the questions they're asking, screaming like they are right now, crying like they are right now. certainly, there was the disappointment last week, the denouement of foolish (contrived?) hopes. there is that, and that's a lot.
last night, in the bathroom, i noticed something unusual. i stood there and stared at it, which, no, i don't normally do. it became obvious to me what it was - a tablet of depakote, bloated, but intact. i wondered if maybe i was getting duds, that glaxo-smith-kline was shooting blanks at my brain chemistry.
today, i went to get my prescription refilled, and i asked the pharmacist about it. he asked how long i had been taking depakote, and said he was actually surprised that i hadn't noticed it before... should i spend more time looking at what i leave behind? (i'm thinking, "no.")
in the extended release version of depakote, divalproex sodium is locked in a matrix composed of things like lactose, microcrystalline cellulose, polyethylene glycol, potassium sorbate, silicon dioxide, and... iron oxide. a wonderfully complex potion of organic chemistry, delivered by the simple compounds of high-school chemistry, and alcohol, and rust.
the active ingredient is pulled out of the pill's matrix in the intestines, into my bloodstream, into my brain, where it does it's thing. the rest of it, now empty of purpose, passes on.
there's something comfortingly familiar about that, as if medicine imitated the life it tries to fix. our souls, the active ingredients of life, bound in and delivered via a simple matrix of flesh and bone, released slowly into the world around it, either poisoning it or curing it, until the soul is all used up, and the body passes on.
Posted by Rob at October 10, 2005 05:07 PM