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ugly
September 30, 2005
ox
if you've been reading awhile, and you have a high capacity for retention, you might have seen a trend forming... over the course of this year, i have been more easily moved, even to the point... you know...
it's very easy and very hard to describe, if not explain. a song, a lyric, an image in a television show/one the news/in a dream/in my mind, a thought... and my throat tightens, and i feel, in a phrase i've used more than once, "the warm intrusion of tears..."
tonight (last night, now), i stopped by book people for a book called "the 3am epiphany" (more on that later today). i've been in good form lately - light, back to more of my joking self, i think. i was with mike and amelia earlier - is that what you're seeing?
i rapped with one of the employees on the second floor, was having a good time. he took me to the books about writing, i found the last copy of the book, went smiling down the stairs, and stopped on the landing.
there was a box of ugly dolls, and one looked at me. i knelt down and picked him up.
when i was a kid, i did not have a proper teddy bear. i don't cite this as some horrible abuse, or even some bit of traumatic negligence - it was a simple oversight, just the way things panned out. i did have one of those freakish bunnies with a human face. i think i loved it at the time, but looking back, it creeps me out.
margo knew this, and bought me a teddy bear once. he is mr. bear. there is a constellation of memories and thoughts associated with him. i never let him lie buried in a box, he does not go unloved, but there is an uneasy emotional distance between us, furthered by the fact that he wears a necktie. bears should not wear ties.
tonight, i picked up the uglydoll named "ox." he has one eye, and his tongue sticks out. he is worn, slightly nappy, a horrible shade of green, and rather flat.
i looked at him, and again with the damned tears. i hugged him for a moment, then realized i had to look a bit mad. part of me didn't care, but i looked at him and put him down, because that is what we do, when we're all grown up, and so far away from home.
Posted by Rob at September 30, 2005 12:33 AM
Comments
i think ox needs to be hugged, just like grown ups, little kids, and sometimes even attorneys...
Posted by: hez at September 30, 2005 10:02 AM