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this is ok, because it is.
September 14, 2005
i'm a little freer tonight.
i finally walked away from the bit of outside work that has hung over me for so many months. i still feel the remorse and guilt for not finishing it, not being able to give someone the benefit of finishing a divorce case involving a house and two kids for $200. but the guilt, luckily, but sadly, almost, is easier than the burden.
i walked away from that, then walked to waterloo records. every album cover called out to me, promising something new, promising connection to someone, something greater, maybe better. i bought the new albums from the like and death cab for cutie.
i'm sitting now, with a lager and lime, listening, really listening, to the songs. i want to write. i have the keyboard for sale, but i want to keep it, i want to make something, something as simple and beautiful as what i'm hearing.
i need you so much closer, i need you so much closer...
it's loud, overwhelming everything else, and i think i know and feel the sound, the loudness taking little bits of my ability to hear, so much of which is already gone, but that's ok. it's just the cost. right now, all i hear is the music, the chords, the words, and it overwhelms the people, and the noise of the world, and most importantly, all the things i've been feeling, until it becomes what i feel, something beautiful.
the two girls are back in, the girls i met months ago when i used to work here on the weeknights. i was torn, finding both of them attractive and interesting. turned out i wasn't the same for them. it bothered me at the time.
they've sat next to me. it's a small bar. one of them, julie, turns her back to me. it's ok. it hurts that old part of me, the boy from high school, that wanted things. but right now, it's sort of ok, because it's just the way it is.
i'll sit and wonder, of every love that could have been, if i'd only thought of something charming to say. this is the sound of settling...death cab for cutie - the sound of settling
i've been dating. a lot. and nothing seems to stick. it's sort of baffled me. something i thought i wanted so much, i can't seem to not run away from.
i don't know if i'm waiting for the lightning to strike, in some sort of romantic suicide. i know less and less what feels right, and what's just there at the end of the night.me.
lately, i wake up in the middle of the night, my arms around my head, a little too distraught to cry, though sometimes i yell a little. i don't know if my roommate sleeps through it, or just decides to not embarass me by mentioning it.
but that's ok, too. i rock, i squeeze my head to try to make it stop, then i fall back to sleep. sometimes i sleep, and i dream of memories, and i dream of hopeful futures, until i wake up again.
i'd rather have it this way, in a way. there's comfort in knowing what is, and what is not, because then faith and hope mean something. they mean something other than what is - some salvation, some deliverance from this here, this now.
sorry for the rambling. i'll stop now, and share what i'm hearing:
love of mine, someday,you will die. but i'll be close behind i'll follow you into the dark. not blinding light, or tunnels to gates of white, just our hands clasped so tight, waiting for the hint of a spark.if heaven and hell decide
they both are satisfied,
illuminate the "no"'s on their vacancy signs.
if there's no one beside you when your soul embarks,
then i'll follow you into the dark.in catholic school,
as vicious as roman rule,
i got my knuckles bruised
by a lady in black.
i held my tongue,
as she told me, "son,
fear is the heart of love,"
so i never went back.if heaven and hell decide
they both are satisfied,
illuminate the "no"'s on their vacancy signs.
if there's no one beside you when your soul embarks,
then i'll follow you into the dark.you and me, have seen everything to see,
from bangkok to calvary,
and the soles of your shoes
are all worn down.
but time for sleep is now.
it's nothing to cry about.
cause we'll hold each other soon.the blackest of moons...
if heaven and hell decide
they both are satisfied,
illuminate the "no"'s on their vacancy signs.
if there's no one beside you when your soul embarks,
then i'll follow you into the dark.
death cab for cutie - i'll follow you into the dark
Posted by Rob at September 14, 2005 08:20 PM