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once, and again
September 14, 2005
fairy godmother, are you out there?
did you know me so well that you know what it all means, what will mean something to me, something that will mean something besides what you meant to me so many years ago?
'cause i'm lost. i've been trying, trying to live the normal life, do and want the normal things. i never can get past feeling like i'm just acting, reading lines, moving from mark to mark.
i'm sorry. but you tethered me to this world. you gave it all context. with you, i was at my best, and headed for better.
the other day, so many years later, i thought of the latest round of dating, thought of where those paths could lead, and i thought, maybe this is how it ends, maybe this, finally, is the end of that dream. the dream and memory of you.
i'm sorry. it shocked me, after all these years. and yes, it's late. and yeah, i've been drinking. but i'm just here in the place i've been in lately, anyway. it's that place that even in my sober, waking hours, i realize is clear of the distractions and denial, life without the stiff upper lip. maybe it's not fair to you - it was never your responsibility. maybe not destiny, just a chance, maybe my best chance. maybe it was yours, too. maybe not.
i always thought i got a few steps farther than my dad did, past the heartbreak of our lives, him never moving past my mother, me finally moving past you. maybe i was wrong.
please, forgive me. just remind me that you're out there, and maybe that it wasn't just a delusion, wasn't just a dream.
Posted by Rob at September 14, 2005 11:09 PM