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376 days
September 26, 2005
so, when i was a kid, i was enamored with events, and by that, i mean the big events. to me, the most interesting ones were when worlds, even universes, collided, promising at once a sort of upending of the natural order and a new, greater unity. most of them happened on television.
when the "love boat" stopped at "fantasy island" - that was huge.
then, of course, there was "battle of the network stars." wonder woman, jill munroe, captain apollo and radar all on the same show? sadly, they were not in costume, and they went by the more mundane names of lynda carter, farrah ("i'm still married to the bionic man and not entirely insane yet") fawcett-majors, richard hatch, and gary burgdorf.
(incidentally, i once dated a girl that loved m.a.s.h. to the extent that she had actually written an episode of the show. sadly, this was a good 12 years after the show had gone off the air. not being a fan of the show, i did not read much of it. still, she reminded me a bit of a female version of radar, though substantially less hairy, and i despise myself a little for not loving someone like that more.)
these days, there is little on television to sate that desire. things have gotten all the more nasty between the networks, and they are also beginning to realize that they are but weak second fiddles to shows that air on cable television.
opportunities are being missed. i'd tune in to see christian troy of nip/tuck in a three way with grace and jennifer garner. i'd watch bald dude from "the shield" in a cage match with vincent d'onofrio's annoyingly jacked-up character on that half-assed derivation of "law and order."
as such events on television became less frequent, i began to pay more attention to and even wish for, similar events in my own life. i long for the kind of events where universes collide, legends merge, laws of nature are rewritten, and new unities are created.
i suppose there have been moments. standing out in the dust and heat of the austin city limits music festival, devoutly wishing that robert earl keen would just stop already, i realized that it was around acl fest a year ago that i began this blog thing. i hated that i had missed taking note of the anniversary, just as i hated failing to mention to friends that july 21 was the third anniversary of the last breakup, and the last time i was in anything like a serious relationship.
the first blog entry was on september 16, a year ago. tonight, i find myself at fado's, the man coming around again (johnny cash on the ipod), the same spot in the corner, but a notebook computer instead of the battered green notebook, a $1 lone star rather than a $5 lager and lime. so much is the same: the fragile balance in my mind, maintained by depakote and its new friend, lamictal; concerns and worries visited on me by the career and poor financial choices i've made; and the other "L" word, maybe more the opposite of love than hate.
but things are different. hope comes less from blind faith than from catching sight of things on the horizon. i feel something i haven't felt in a long time, something taking root in my heart. i have a greater belief in what i can and can't do, with my mind, with my job, with my body, on the basketball court, in my heart, with my voice, with words.
maybe my own event, the battle of all the things i have been, and am, is coming to a head, is happening now. instead of being on their own little shows, in their own little potions of time, in their own universes, all those me's are making cameos in the story that is my life today.
i don't know if i'm making sense to you. i don't know if this is just how i feel tonight, i don't know what i'll feel tomorrow. but, maybe it's just a matter of feeling like this today. tomorrow will be what it will be.
Posted by Rob at September 26, 2005 07:14 PM