hold it...
August 09, 2005
i hate stinky cheeses. at central market and whole foods, i occasionally find that i've lost focus and wandered into the stinky cheese area, which smells like the feet of a thousand madmen who days ago stepped in some vomit, which has since dried and become encrusted with bits of dead pigeons that have baked on hot sidewalks. usually, though, i think ahead, and plan carefully to cut a wide path around the cheese area, or i pretend i'm a hero swimming under the flaming oil-slick surface in one of them there picture shows, and see how long i can hold my breath, slicing boldly through the cheese section like a hot knife through, well, cheese.
i do that in elevators, too, mostly out of a distrust of what people have been doing in there before i got on. most of the time, i do it alone or as soon as someone exits the elevator, pretending that the small cabin has been infused with some noxious substance, like sarin nerve gas, anthrax, or britney spears' line of perfume.
sometimes, though, i try to hold my breath secretly when there are people on the elevator, which adds the pressure of trying to look calm and natural. if they say something or ask me a question, my options are to just smile and nod, or answer while trying to hold my breath in, which makes me sound like donald duck after a bong hit. sometimes, i write my response on a small blackboard, like lloyd bridges used to do in seaquest.
when i get to my floor and the doors open, air finally bursts from my lungs, and i emerge, red-faced, ready to single-handedly take out enemy defenses, armed only with my building pass and car keys. i don't know what i'll do if i ever work in a taller building.
Posted by Rob at August 9, 2005 09:26 AM
Comments
I do that too.... even hold my breath when strangers try to speak in my space. I hate it when people cough closer than arm's length away, multiple mini-breaths in the opposite direction is the only way to go.
And when slicing open stinky boils, it's Vick's Vapo-Rub in the nostrils.... works every time!
Posted by: Sheila at August 19, 2005 12:34 AM