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lance - the interview that didn't happen
July 25, 2005
so, many months ago, i was talking with someone about putting together a sketch comedy show for local consumption. during that time, i saw "dodgeball," which was far better than i expected, and had a great cameo by Mr. Seven, Lance Armstrong.
sadly, the show didn't come about, and neither did this sketch, featuring him (hey, we thought we might have a connection, and we were thinking big), and me as the idiot host. so sad - i mean, it's nice he won that there bicycle race, but after larry king's interviews of bush and cheney, this surely would have been the pinnacle of 21st-century faux-interview comedy so far...
or not...
Host
We've got a special treat tonight, ladies and gentlemen - a local
actor named Lance Armstrong who did a real bang-up job with a walk-on
part in the movie "Dodgeball." Let's take a look.
(Clip from Dodgeball is shown):
Lance Armstrong: Hey, aren't you Peter La Fleur?
Peter La Fleur: Lance Armstrong!
Lance Armstrong: Ya, that's me. But I'm a big fan of yours.
Peter La Fleur: Really?
Lance Armstrong: Ya, I've been watching the dodgeball tournament on the Ocho. ESPN 8. I just can't get enough of it. Good luck in the tournament. I'm really pulling for you against those jerks from Globo Gym. I think you better hurry up or you're gonna be late.
Peter La Fleur: Uh, actually I decided to quit... Lance.
Lance Armstrong: Quit? You know, once I was thinking of quitting when I was diagnosed with brain, lung and testicular cancer all at the same time. But with the love and support of my friends and family, I got back on the bike and won the Tour de France five times in a row. But I'm sure you have a good reason to quit. So what are you dying of that's keeping you from the finals?
Peter La Fleur: Right now it feels a little bit like... shame.
Lance Armstrong: Well, I guess if a person never quit when the going got tough, they wouldn't have anything to regret for the rest of their life. Well, good luck to you Peter. I'm sure this decision won't haunt you forever.
(clip ends)
Host
Funny stuff. Ladies and gentlemen, Lance Armstrong.
Host
How ya doin', Lance? Thanks for being here.
Lance
Thanks for having me. And, thanks for wearing one of my bracelets there.
Host (cheer leaves face)
Your bracelet? My mom gave me this, I thought it was cool. Are you accusing me of stealing? Hell, yours is still on your wrist, there, big guy.
Lance
No! No, see, my foundation puts it out, to raise money and awareness.
Host
Your foundation? What are you, Bruce Wayne? You're saying you have a "foundation"? [Looks at camera and laughs] Alrighty. I'll play. What's this "foundation" called?
Lance
Well, it's the Lance Armstrong Foundation.
Host
Creative. Sorry, though, because my bracelet doesn't say "Armstrong", it says "Livestrong". I don't know the guy, but he's making a killing
off these things, they're everywhere. Interesting coincidence, but
don't come on my show and lie to me. You're not Donald Rumsfeld,
you're an actor with a 30 second scene in one movie.
Lance
No, see, I'm a professional cyclist.
Host
Then why'd you come in a car?
Lance
Becau... that doesn't make sense. I really am a professional cyclist.
I've won the Tour de France 6 times - you must have heard about it?
Host
Nnno... no, I don't watch cycling - I don't have cable and I'm too
homophobic to watch a bunch of men in tight shorts. Sorry. Look, let's talk about the acting thing. You're really very impressive, you seem to know what you're doing, you look good up there, even in that cheesy yellow sweater. Do you use anything to, you know, enhance your performance? Because believe it or not, you're gonna get that question a lot when you make it big.
Lance (looking around, bewildered)
Yeah, so I hear...Ahh... No... No. It's all hard work and dedication
and the support of my team. Look, all that's been talked to death,
and-
Host
Good. Keep it real, brother. [Host raises his fist in a black power
salute. Lance looks around and weakly mimics the gesture.] Now, I
understand that getting this kind of visibility as an actor has it's
little perks, huh?
Lance
Like...?
Host
With a certain lady friend who's also getting a start in the
entertainment business? Someone by the name of... [looking at camera slyly] Sherri?
Lance (bashful)
Sheryl.
Host
"Sheryl"? What the hell happened to Sherri? Not "Hollywood" enough for ya?
Lance
No, I mean... there was no Sherri - her name's Sheryl. And, yeah, I'm
lucky to have been able to meet some really interesting people, and
SHERYL was one of them, and we hit it off. But, look, it wasn't really
the acting, you see...
Host
Yeeeah, well it wasn't that skinny ass of yours, either. You should
really get yourself a burger. But that's cool. Hot middle-aged backup
singer wants to roll the dice and hitch her wagon to a possibly rising
actor...
Lance
Um. She used to be a backup singer, but now she's solo.
Host
Solo? Oooh, no gigs. Yeah, the recession's hitting every industry,
man. Well, I saw that picture of her in your wallet before the show
when you were paying for this appearance, and...
Lance
You paid me five bucks to be here.
Host
Whatever. Sharon there is, well, easy on the eyes, and you know, a lot of careers have been jump-started by doing a little, you know,
photography work on the side...
Lance
It's Sheryl. Are you suggesting she pose nude?
Host
Whoa, hey now, buddy this is a family show. I'm talking tasteful
erotic imagery, sometimes with vacuum cleaners. There are
professionals that work in the classier mags, like Playboy, Hustler,
Oui...
Lance
Yeah, I've seen their work. Look, I really want to clear something up
- I'm a professional cyclist. I was playing myself in the movie. It's
called a cameo.
Host
Rrrright. Wow. Too bad they didn't give you something a little more
believable - I mean, the cancer and winning the Tour de France five
times - I prefer my humor to be a little more subtle, a little more
believable.
Lance
But I -
Host
Don't interrupt. But, you know, it's OK, because it's that kind of
immersion that makes for a great actor. They say DeNiro studied tapes of dialects from all over Italy to find the right accent for "Godfather 2". Granted you'll never be DeNiro. OK, well, there was "Analyze That..." So, anyway, what's your real name, and when did you decide to change it?
Lance
What?
Host
Well, "Lance Armstrong." Come on. I mean... Like, I don't call myself,
uhh... "Hunter Legspowerful" or, I don't know, "Striker Asstight" or
"Wolf Blitzer". But that's OK, a lot of people take stage names.
Lance
No that's my real name.
Host
No it's not.
Lance
Yes it is.
Host
Can't be.
Lance
It is. You can ask my mother.
Host
I did ask your mother, last night.
Lance (incredulous)
Wha- what?
Host
Nothing, never mind.
Lance
You said something about my mother!
Host
Yes, yes I did, but most importantly, your name is not "Lance
Armstrong." That would be silly.
Lance
This is ridiculous - I can show you my birth certific-
Host
Yeah, two things you can get in Matamoros for under $5 - fake Texas
birth certificates and donkey shows. You know, why are you coming on my show and trying to argue with me? You get lucky and get one
freakin' walk-on part in a movie that only grossed $30 million it's
first weekend...
Lance
It's doing well in video.
Janet(off camera)
It's not "your" show, Rob!
Host (ignoring Janet)
Yeah, so's "Clifford's Really Big Movie." Childrens and morons. And
here you come on my show like you're hot shi-
(Janet emerges onto the set, wearing headphones)
Janet
Wait a minute That's the second time you've called it your show. It's
my goddamn show, too.
Host
Well, then would it kill you to wear something nice?
Janet
What's wrong with what I'm wearing?
Lance
Hey, this is my interview.
Janet
Shut up, "bike boy". Go shave your legs or something.
(Argument erupts. Host looks at camera and smiles.)
Host
Join us next week when we'll interview one-time black actor O.J.
Simpson. What, can I not get a first name, here?
Posted by Rob at July 25, 2005 03:05 PM
Comments
Hurry up and write a new entry...the natives are getting restless...
Posted by: Mara at August 2, 2005 12:08 PM