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not again.
June 01, 2005
well. what to say. i've generally been trying pretty hard. with everything. but only results show or matter.
still love the halcyon job. but i'm still slow, and it was pointed out the other night. my work ethic there is great, i think - most shifts, i don't take any break at all, sometimes not even to go to the bathroom. i move, and i stay as cheerful as possible. but that's not all it takes.
have become increasingly disenchanted with the other job, the law job, the job that can only be listed as my "first" job by virtue of being a greater source of income, even though it's crappy. in my ninth year of being an attorney, i make over $10,000 a year less than the median first-year attorney's starting salary in 1996.
i was out sick yesterday, the return of the icky green sinus infection, that keeps me coughing, feverish, and slightly dizzy most of the time. it prompted a serious discussion about my attendance.
i'd love to talk about it in more depth, but the bottom line is, the past couple of weeks had me later than usual while i was housesitting and bouncing back and forth every morning. i still wasn't always the last one in. when i have gotten here on 8:30, it seems to go unnoticed largely because the only person in legal that gets here earlier (a 7:30-4:30 guy) keeps his door closed all day. there's no one else to see it.
the people making the stink are apparently elsewhere in the agency. perhaps i should wear a bell and jump up and down when i come in.
so, i feel a little ashamed, a little pissed, and a little hopeless, because i'm back to that point i've reached with every other law job. granted, it's not why i left or lost other jobs. these jobs are all ultimately pointless for me. it's about paying bills, which is certainly important, but that's about it. it won't mean a fucking thing when i'm dead.
meanwhile, there are other things, hopes and dreams that i'm beginning to realize i have to grow up and let go of, like i'm sure some people will tell me i need to do. i appreciate it, but if the only comment my writing drives you to make is, "suck it up and stop whining," don't bother.
did i mention my growing contempt for people?
anyway, kind of connected with all this, i realized the other day that everything i do is still about trying to win, trying to prove something. when i was struggling for acceptance as a kid, that's what it took. with my parents, that's what it took. and at 36, i'm still not done trying to prove my worth to everyone else. i keep taking things on, piling them high, as if hoping the weight and effort will turn the coal i am to diamond.
it's not working.
i'm going to go take a 15 minute lunch break now, and make sure i'm seen coming and going.
Posted by Rob at June 1, 2005 12:48 PM
Comments
I am still going to say "suck it up and stop whining", but only to tell you to do what makes you happy. As long as you have to have the crappy job in order to pay bills, go in and get their work done as quickly as you can every day. If the work is done, they don't have much to complain about. The comments of those who saw you your first day making coffee noticed how relaxed and happy you were there. Revel in those moments and keep moving forward to do the things you ultimately want to do.
Posted by: mdbatty at June 1, 2005 02:42 PM
Fuck you. I'm am 830 to 530 guy now.
Lorenzo
Posted by: Lorenzo at June 3, 2005 04:17 PM