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"he was so fun 10 months ago"
June 08, 2005
that's ok, i'm really not mad at ya. disappointed, but i was already disappointed that we don't talk or hang out anymore. i suppose now i know why.
but really, as far as this goes, i'm primarily amused. you see, i think maybe you hit "reply to all" instead of just replying to the person that apparently forwarded my email to you. it's a classic sitcom moment. i'm excited to get an email from you after all this time, and i get one that's actually about me, saying,
"He is a wierdo. He was so fun 10 months ago."
i wrestled. it was sorely needed writing inspiration. but which way to go? talk about the self-doubts that it both reflects and inflames? or no, i really wanted to use it, to write one of the funny bits, to make you see, "hey, i'm as fun as ever."
but i don't know that either works - neither feels right, not right now.
aside from the simple comedy of it, there's irony, too. first, i tried to be pretty transparent to you from soon after we met (which was actually a little over eight months ago), so i'd think any weirdness was quickly obvious. it seemed you accepted some of it, called me out on a lot of it, and i always listened, and what you had to say helped me through a bad time.
i was not at my best the night we met, but perked up, only to crash again when you and chet ended up hitting it off and chet unexpectedly dropped off our other party companion and me. i remember at the time being jealous of chet because he was clearly funnier and more fun than me. it made me want to get back to the funner and funnier self that i and hundreds and hundreds of four other people had once thought i was.
we became friends anyway. i opened myself to you. i find, from time to time, that there are things i hide from myself. but a long time ago, i decided that i had to try not to do the things that i would be ashamed to tell people about, and that if i did, then i still had to be honest about it. i did that with you. i do that here.
so, what made me so weird? the only contact we've had, in any way, for the last five or six months, is through this blog. you expressed concern indirectly before at what i'd written, which i appreciated, felt a little guilty about.
so is this it, this blog, what i write? is this where you see the weirdness, the lack of fun? part of me is a little angry at the presumption - have you been there? have you been here, with me, where so many of my friends have been, despite the inconvenience and discomfort of it?
i remember the fun we used to have, too - i was always amazed and enamored and not a little turned on by your bizarre and shocking sense of humor, the devious scenarios that would play out in your mind. i remember, too, the night you burped out loud in the mall, the joy and freedom you seemed to feel at the slightest, most boorish comedic act, but counterbalanced, so tragically, almost, by the immediate guilt and self-reprobation.
you've always been uncomfortable with, almost and perhaps ultimately disliked me for throwing myself so open here. but you did keep reading, didn't you? i don't want to presume, but i feel so certain that it speaks to some part of you, the part that is beautiful and real, but captive, crushed into silence by so many fears of your own, so many rules you feel you have to follow to be alright, to be a good and loved person.
and that, my friend, makes you a weirdo, too.
i'm there with you, a certified weirdo. i've always known this. embraced it in some ways, always worked against it in others. but then again, who of my friends aren't? and for you... i loved you anyway, maybe one of the few things i have done, that i do, right. i believe in you, as i thought you did in me. together, as with my other friends, i thought we might get to the places in our hearts and minds that we needed to be. i wanted that for you, for me. when you faded out of my life, i let it go. i just figured different paths would have to be taken. to be honest, it could so easily have been me writing that email today, dismissing you as a flake, as other things. if i ever have, then i am now so sorry.
your words stick, like a wound in my heart, like a flag in my mind. i will question, i will work. some good may come of it. but i have something for you, too:
no matter how smart, how beautiful, how rich, how right, how powerful a person is, it is only their compassion and their will to honesty that will make them a great woman, or a great man, or a great human being. let anything that isn't deeply in your heart fall away. be who you are and don't feel the need to apologize. it may, in the short term, gain you joy or sorrow, or nothing at all, but in the end, it is all you have in life. this is what i'm trying to do here, trying to make all the sound and fury mean something. it's something you and i both need to do.
much love always,
rob
Posted by Rob at June 8, 2005 02:23 PM
Comments
Hey Rob-
I just want you to know that I don't think you're a weirdo at all! I've known you for about 5 years now, and all you ever have been to me is a nice, caring, funny person. I know you would never say anything mean (maybe jokingly) about me or about any of your other friends for that matter.
I don't read your blog faithfully, but a near and dear friend of mine does and told me about this blog today. I was pretty irritated, and thought I needed to respond to this. I find that many people in Austin think they have to be soooo cool and look so good in front of their "cool" friends that they sometimes miss out on the people with the biggest hearts. I know you are one of those people, and I wouldn't sweat it. Their loss- drop them like a hot potato. You don't need people like that in your life. You can come over and visit any time day or night with your REAL friends!
Posted by: Crazy Tarleton Rodeo Queen at June 9, 2005 09:49 PM
NOTE: This very entertaining post has been almost completely edited. It now reads: ", man!"
Posted by: Rick James at June 9, 2005 09:54 PM
You're in good company, because I LOVE being a weirdo. Being like everyone else is boring!! I love that about you too! Celebrate who you are, Rob. Your unique and imaginative mind is incredible. Weirdo's rock!!
Posted by: Maz at June 10, 2005 09:03 AM
wob,
just read some of julie's blogs from this past year. i totally believe that in the future we will all be reading the same type of story that julie is relating now. you are an amazing man and i am so glad that i have met you and have you as a friend. if you want though i can let the 1/4 mexican out and cut her. ;-)
Posted by: cnote at June 15, 2005 07:50 PM