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with, without
May 18, 2005
8:05 pm
mom made excuses to my cousin in korea. all pretty much made-up, grasping at straws.
why? why not? not because i don't want the responsibility, as she claimed. not because i don't want, because, my god, i do. not because i don't try, because i do, and not too hard, either - i've always been a social sponge, watching, recognizing,learning, adapting, perfecting.
and yet, i don't feel like acting, and when i don't feel it, i don't.
i am loved. yeah, there's pride in that. at my birthday, a couple dozen people showed up, diverse as any census-derived cross-section. the kid that gave up dreams outside himself to work instead on being liked, loved, has met that one goal, realized it at 36.
if i die today, the quantity of quality friends stand as the greatest accomplishments, the best measure of a good and worthy life.
but then, why? why not me? why the gap, this void, just there? wanted, loved, but not that much, just... so.
i believe this is the struggle of most lives, of every life, not just mine. but this one is mine that i have to live, they are my eyes that i catch in the mirror every morning, every night.
i'm so far past being able to t imagine it all, to imagine love and passion and yes, need, to remember those feelings with empathy for the me that once felt them.
but at the same time, increasingly, i feel it's just there, near mygrasp, my sight, so close.
i'm doing the right things, not because they're the "right" things, but because i believe in them, and finally, am living them. i'm around more and more of the right people, those that get me, that understand where i've been, where i am, and where i need to be. (and for that, i thank you all - for all that you've given me).
i'm finally meeting people without the lawyer label pinned, driven with a stake, to my chest. instead, i meet them, as me, black t-shirt, jeans, not as disguise, but as, finally, skin.
soon, please.
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10:35 pm
i miss not working here, right now. i see my friends clearing tables, serving, calling out orders, putting and pulling dishes from the auto-chlor.
adam slings alcohol; a good guy, himself now abstinent, drinking no more.
mike, the friendly and kind kid, but without a sold work ethic yet - he's a project.
leora, beautiful as always, tonight, though, something else in pigtails. the nod to youth adds the touch of vulnerability, more so when matched with the sweetest smile too rarely seen. new york, manager, maturity maybe too soon, all manifest the guarded heart, the rarity of that deeper smile. i fear often for her covering all of that under the shell of indifference and occasional disdain - an opus of line and beauty and depth, covered over by a clumsier hand.
in a glance's corner, i see, i think, sandra bullock in her. she is not amused, but she should be flattered. strength, humor, and a vulnerability that is nothing to be ashamed of... a woman, a human being to be admired.
home. i find a home here.
-------
10:47 pm, heading home
i straddle universes. i liveone where i doubt, self-loathe, disbelieve. i live another where i believe, i know the value of a heart is absolute. maybe i know the latter less of the time, not so closely, but still, when i know, i see someone that sees me for who that latter part of me believes i am, could be.
tonight, though, once again, doubt makes a mockery of faith.
Posted by Rob at May 18, 2005 11:29 PM