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update
April 13, 2005
yes, i'm a big geek.
this entry written with the ink and love from the pen given to me by jana, on my b-day
o.k., it's not really fair for me to publish my deepest, darkest whinings without also recognizing the resolution of despair.
following the last post, i did go running. i swapped out the loud, hard and fast tunes i usually associate with working out, and filled the iPod instead with things a little quieterm a little more meaningful than "hell's bells", that would drive me with a different sort of intensity, that would burn with a different color flame.
i rolled out to congress avenue a little after dawn, set out to run four miles fast, pounding out the anger and frustration on pavement, while compassion, peace, and a sort of redemption poured in through the headphones.
compassion, peace, and redemption did break down briefly when a capitol metro bus driver slammed shut his door behind a boarding passenger, and gunned the engine to cut me off on a crosswalk so he could force a quick right turn on a red light.
i actually had to pull up quickly to avoid running into the side of the bus. i glanced at the crosswalk signal, saw the little guy, or woman with short hair and no univeral-graphic skirt glowing white, doing the little walking thing.
without a second thought, i cut away to the right, running to the rear of the bus, and as i did, i slammed my hand full-force into the side of the bus. passengers jumped. driver heard it and looked into my eyes in the side-mirror.
my life-approval rating immediately jumped by a good 58%.
i ripped through the miles, up and down congress, to and away from the capitol, the state troopers sitting in their car on the capitol building's inner drive eyeing me warily on each lap. i glared at the legislative haven every time, wanting to flip off its contents for the stupid republican and other political games it's been playing, some of which have denied me the increase in pay that would bring me to par with my otherwise-equivalent counterparts statewide.
i ran sprint intervals through the last mile, just the balls of my feet making contact with the sidewalk on each long, swift stride. i sat on a bench at a bus stop when i finished, letting my breath slow, watching the growing pool of sweat on the sidewalk beneath me, appreciating, loving the morning, the growing day, the feeling of life in me.
a day started well.
the list of issues, like the festivus airing of grievances, defined and compartmentalized everything, painting big targets on each of them.
i began, that morning, to attack each and every one of the problems, thoughtfully, methodically. i gained ground, felt that even if no victory was certain, that i was fighting the best i could.
no solution is complete, but again, there is hope, and momentum in my favor.
i ran 10 miles saturday, could have gone longer had i started earlier than at 2:00pm, without the extra heat and direct sunlight.
i'm waking early again, for no apparent reason.
i'm getting to the gym on a regular basis again. my strength is returning.
i feel the almost addictive need to run every day, and i want to run further and faster all the time.
how did you read the last entry? as mere desperation? no, i have too much pride, too much support around me. for every reaction, there is an action, some kind of action, even if it's not quite equal.
faced with despair, trapped in desert lands, there are only two options - give up, or believe in the sea.
Posted by Rob at April 13, 2005 11:55 AM