there is no sleep
April 08, 2005
you don't want to read this, and i'm not going to apologize for it.
4:43am, and i've given up. a little shy of four hours of sleep, i woke up a few minutes after 4:00am. my stomach and throat are burned, my brain was wide awake and inescapably loud inside.
i tried to ignore the burning and quiet the mind, but it wasn't happening. my brain locked onto the threatening voice mail i got yesterday from the cross-sounding woman at the state office of administrative hearings, then it got caught in the loop, replaying over and over what my response today would be, beginning with the frustration and loss of control i'm feeling right now, forecasting the anger that i'd feel and probably communicate.
everywhere, men and women are waking up, rising quietly to not wake their sleeping children. they tiptoe through homes barely held together by their hard work, fix themselves something to eat, maybe a lunch to take with them, and they leave before daybreak to do real work, backbreaking work, menial work. they will gather in the early morning cold or in quiet and empty buildings with others like themselves. they will clean up after the people of the day, they will wait for day labor, they will work in a kitchen spraying the remainders of other people's meals off of plates. they may complain about the minutiae of the day. they may spend moments of quiet regret. they may not. but they do what they have to, because there is nothing else.
i know this, and it makes me ashamed for how i feel, for my dislike of my work, for my inability to keep afloat, for my increasing inability to keep up with what happens in my life, and with what i've brought on myself.
it's all tangled in my head, the mass of things i'm juggling right now. i'm writing it out so i can look at it with some sort of clarity:
the money i need to come up with right now;
the money i need to come up with next week for deposit and rent at the new apartment;
the vague threat of some sort of sanctions against my agency from the cross-sounding woman, because i took on and docketed too many cases to keep up with, in response to unthinking and ignorant pressure from our governing board;
the continuing, constant burning in my stomach;
the divorce case for a friend of a friend that i'm behind on;
the probate matter i'm handling for another friend;
a piece of work i was asked to do for a customer of kanton's used car lot. why? because the client probably can't afford to get another lawyer to deal with insurance company;
the various things i'm seriously behind on at work;
the depositions i'll have to take in a couple of weeks in a case of alleged rape, the evidence in which makes the kobe case look solid by comparison;
the other litigation i'm having to do, that i despise and am ill-prepared for;
the friend i had to help out today;
worrying about having left work to do so when i was already out sick on monday and tuesday;
the insurance company not even offering enough on my hail-totalled car to pay it off, which the bank will likely require me to do, much less yield some extra money as i hoped it might;
the insurance company's discovery that the car's title still has not been processed out of the name of some person in north carolina...
this is a lot, but i'm ashamed that it's all driving me a bit mad. how can it compare to what my friend is going through, or what the woman i'm doing the divorce for is going through, with a baby that less than two months old (the sonofabitch cheated on her while she was pregnant). i met a woman the other night who was going through a divorce. her husband committed suicide last week.
i know my list doesn't compare to those burdens, or the realities of those people who are awake with me now, or who are already working deep in a night shift.
but their my realities and my burdens. many, maybe most of them, are my own fault. again, don't judge. if you do, i don't want to hear about it, because that's already been well-covered. i've been trying really hard. i've been trying to get things done, and done right. but i'm worn out. every day, several times a day, i am moved too easily to tears by some slight bit of nostalgia or news item or random thought.
i feel like i'm back in the last half marathon. there's so much at stake, and it all seems so simple, and so many other people are doing it, persevering through their own hardships, many of them passing me. i feel strong to have come this far, but i feel weak to be struggling. my body's become leaden, and i feel the panic of not being able to breathe, like i gotta stop, somehow.
so i'm up. i write it down because that's what i have. i try not to add to the list the fact that i have no arms to take at least a little refuge in right now, because that's probably my fault, too, and because some of my friends lack that, as well.
i'm about to put on my running clothes and shoes and leave. ironically, all morning, the only thing i can think of to do is to run. run fast, run far, punish my body and my heart, and maybe free them both, if only for a little while.
Posted by Rob at April 8, 2005 04:41 AM
Comments
I wish I could bring you a McGriddle this morning, Rob...
Posted by: Nikki at April 8, 2005 08:09 AM
There's something that you need to learn and learn fast...and it doesn't make you a bad person: "NO."
It's O.K. to tell people "I'd like to help, but I'm over-extended right now." and then refer them to someone else. The impulse to help others is a great thing, but you can't really be of help if you're insane.
Posted by: sherry at April 11, 2005 03:10 PM