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balance
April 26, 2005
mine is off. my balance, i mean. the move, as good as it is, and recent events, promising though they are, have changed the flow, the rhythm of the game. i miss writing. i still have several entries in the notebook that i just have yet to transcribe. i have a few friends that are pissed that i haven't been in touch. at this point, so be it - if they don't read what little i've writtent and understand, if they don't trust me, then nothing else i can say really matters.
i do miss writing, though. i had my little meltdown a month or so ago. the past few days, some of the factors recurred - a bit of fatigue, the running out of meds (whaddya mean, no refills left?). but this time, different.
it started setting in on saturday, i think. irritability, tapering into that old, pointless feeling.
still, yesterday (ok, sunday), i woke up, walked down to auditorium shores, signed up for the bun run 5K, and ran it. i knew i was not in shape for it, still not physically right, between the lingering fatigue from the move, and the persistent cough that's been pulling me down for weeks now. but the course ran downtown, which i love, and it seemed to be a fast course, and i thought i had a chance to p.r. (personal record) it.
i started near the front, and everybody and their dog passed me. i mean, literally. i was being passed by people with their dogs. children were dodging around me. i ran the first mile in 8:09, even though my body felt really all wrong. mile two really sucked, coming up that same stretch of cesar chavez where i tanked so badly in the capitol 10K. that long hill and the headwind sucked it out of me.
on top of that, i think it hurt not having my teammate katie there pushing me, because i really didn't push myself anywhere near as much as i used to. even coming over the bridge, knowing i was almost done, i sped things up, but wasn't quite peaking.
turning the corner onto riverside and into the finish stretch, i started getting a good sprint on. some people started cheering, and i
kicked it into another gear and was flying past people, then my left
hamstring just exploded.
i finished in 26:26, 21 seconds slower than in my previous effort on march 5. i was annoyed, but i knew going in that i wasn't well prepared. the shirt is pretty cool, though.
i came home, ate the rest of my oatmeal (note to self - no need to eat oatmeal, even just a little, before a 5K) and laid down, and slept for quite a while. i was a little lost afterwards. i was also, amazingly, 10 pounds heavier than i had been just 4 days previous. you see why weight loss is such a trying issue for me.
but it was ok. i rode it out. i drank tons of water, tried to get my diet back on track. i meant to work out this morning, and failed that, but will return to it tomorrow. i made the necessary calls to doctor and pharmacy.
and tonight, i had a job interview, at halcyon. yeah, that's right, my favorite little coffee shop/bar. i'll expound on that later, but suffice it to say that i see, at least, some counterbalance possible in my life to this thing of doing lawyer.
tonight, i drank a bit, again for the first time in a while, and it was alright. between the waning meds and the alcohol, i got to check in on that part of myself that is still down there, somewhere, that i miss sometimes, in a way, not for the pain or sorrow, but simply because it is a part of me. tomorrow i'll resume the course, scatter the leaves to conceal it all again, until i can find the time and space and control to bring it out and keep it in balance.
please stand by...
Posted by Rob at April 26, 2005 12:18 AM