who wants pudding?

« like a virgin, sort of. | Main | dude, where's my hair? »

handling pudding.

March 22, 2005

ok. it's been a jacked-up few days. a couple of weeks ago, i wrote about the feeling that taking certain medications made me feel less "me". i decided, once again, to experiment with not being medicated, a decision that was helped along by running out of pills and the cost of shelling out for new ones.

last week, i wrote about the results of that decision - not so good. the results of writing about it were also not so good. i was at once touched by the care of a couple of good friends, and a bit shamed that they saw in my life the need for little interventions. they were concerned, disturbed, probably a bit embarassed for me. they understandably fear the repercussions of putting it on the blog.

they were concerned about the issues that were exposed, and i can't really blame them. those interventions did make a difference.

there's the issue of money. in short, i just don't have much of it, almost entirely due to poor decisions on my part in the past. but, i've made dramatic and continuing changes in my habits and my spending, and things are moving quickly to being better, but these past couple of months have been tricky. next month will be phenomenally better, and it just gets better after that.

is it embarassing that i had $5.80 in the bank? hell, yeah. but it's the past that's embarassing. this month, i've taken care of my responsibilities, worked to get myself on a more stable path.

is it embarassing that i borrowed money from a friend? yeah. on the other hand, i've also been doing a ton of legal work for him and his family, gratis, including missing work to attend depositions. he's paid me a little, but knows i've ended up taking on more than we anticipated. instead of taking more money, i took a loan for a week, which i already paid back with money i'm earning for helping someone else with their divorce, at a tenth of the cost other attorneys would charge.

is the drinking a problem? yes and no. i'm still in a phase where i make choices about it - it's a psychological issue rather than a physiological issue. challenged by those friends, though, i've been not drinking. i spent all night out saturday night for a friend's birthday, and had nothing stronger than an iced chai. i do need to cut back to be healthier, in more ways than one, and i'm committed to doing that.

is the self-image a problem? looking up at the mirror from the bottom of depression, yeah. today, i don't look half-bad.

is the bald spot a problem? no, i got a haircut, finally.

is what i choose to write in the blog a problem? with all care and love for my wise and well-intentioned friends that think so, i've gotta say no.

i am in the bad places i am today because i've made poor decisions in my life, but a good chunk of those were decisions to be things i'm not rather than who i really am or wanted to be; to do what was safe rather than true; to base right and wrong on what other people thought.

i started this blog thing last september, and it's become a pillar of my life. it's cause and effect in the long-needed changes that are happening in my life. if all i did was write about how awful things are and what a loser i am, then it would indeed be a bunch of worthless crap. but looking back, it's not that at all. it's been a process - recognize, reflect, choose. having people read it, including, notably, those who were concerned last week, has kept me honest, kept me in that process. i write honestly, but i'm conscious of my audience. like any writer, i hear their response, and while i have to be true to what i write, you can't write this kind of thing in a vacuum. i hear what those voices will say, and i have to consider it, and it shapes what i write, and therefore how i choose to live.

i've written fictional stuff in the past that i couldn't resolve, because in many ways, they were really about me. i couldn't choose an ending when i was failing to choose an ending for myself. at some point, i wrote that i was "living this ending that is writing me."

thanks to the miracle of pudding, i'm writing and choosing my own endings, creating new truths in my life, and that's what you're seeing here. i'm going to be fine because i'm doing this. it may cause problems from time to time, but it's me - who i've been, am, and will be. it will become more positive, because my life will be. it will become more entertaining, because i will.

so, there it is. now shut up and eat your pudding.

(ok, i don't really mean that last line, just wanted to say it...)

Posted by Rob at March 22, 2005 09:39 AM

Comments

Posted by: hb at March 22, 2005 03:35 PM

Posted by: Rob at March 22, 2005 03:37 PM

Posted by: hb at March 22, 2005 05:57 PM

Post a comment

Name:

Email Address:

URL:
Remember Me? YesNo

Comments: