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sometimes
February 08, 2005
OK, first, if you haven't been here in a while I want to make sure you check out the zany money-raising attempt, here.
and now...
seek my part.
devote myself,
my small self,
like a book amongst
the many on the shelf.
sometimes i do
sometimes i rise
sometimes i fall
sometimes i don't
sometimes i cringe
sometimes i laugh
sometimes i walk
sometimes i kneel
sometimes i speak of nothing at all
sometimes i reach to myself.
- pearl jam, "sometimes"
where was i? monday's entry was a cheat - i had actually written it last friday, but didn't post it immediately. monday was a lights-out day in my office, just the light through the windows and the light from the computer monitor illuminating the day. i did this both to cut down on my irritation, and for the protection of the people outside.
i wasn't feeling so well physically, and it began to drag me down mentally, emotionally. i wanted to write about the weekend, and i did.
i wrote about how friday night had turned so unexpectedly fun, and special. despite the fear and growing pessimism i've felt lately in my relationships with other people, i began to believe, allowed myself to enjoy the moment, maybe to feel a little hope, a little excitement. i was with friends, old and new, and one in particular that has captured my attention for what seems like the longest time.
the night started as a few coworkers having a beer or two, and quickly became a curious mixture of friends, and really, of worlds. a bunch of thirty-something attorneys and three twenty-something girls that i've come to know at the coffee shop across the street. we all ended up going dancing at red fez until 2 in the morning. everyone on both sides of the supposed cultural divide talked afterwards about how much fun they had.
i danced the whole time with amelia. she is mature and understanding beyond her years. despite my efforts otherwise, i've been amazingly, embarassingly transparent to her, and she's handled it all with grace and kindness.
at the end of the night, amelia and i swapped email and blog addresses. i walked her to her car, and there was a wonderfully warm hug that, despite the claim in her blog the next morning, was not "drunken", at least not on my part. mildly buzzed, perhaps; slightly wobbly, maybe, but not drunken.
i wrote about the course of the weekend, which, though it had its high points, saw me drift increasingly into someplace i didn't want to be.
i wrote once again, so tiringly, of uncertainty and doubt, about the almost paralyzing inability to discern what is real through the noise of hope, desire, doubt, and illusion. once again, i was faced with the realization that everything i saw and felt on one night, at any given time, could fit easily into one of two vastly different realities. fear and doubt push me to believe in one, but hope and my heart push me to the other. i wondered if it is up to me to simply choose one, and by choosing, by some action of the will, make reality, or at least encourage one.
i wondered how many times in my life i had made that choice, most of the time, almost always, erring on the side of safety, and despising myself for my cowardice, and repeatedly ensuring loss and disappointment. i wondered if i would ever be able to change, despite my efforts.
i finished and published the entry. minutes later, i pulled it off.
then i thought, no, i have to be real, here. this is where i'm at now, i have to be honest and open - that's the point. i put it back up.
a short while later, a very well-intentioned friend with a good sense of humor emailed me, telling me that we should make me the eighth dwarf - "Gloomy."
i pulled the entry back off.
i went to a late lunch at fado's. a nice sandwich, a nice pint.
the first song out of the iPod shuffle was pearl jam's "sometimes."
i wrote a coda to the entry, a resolution, a return again to the theme of having faith in the possibilities that motion and choices will engender, but i saw no need to post it, or the original. that's all been done and said before.
i'm in a long process of trying to resolve a debate in my heart, but sometimes i can't tell what's right. i'm trying to write the end to my own story, but sometimes i don't know what the character will choose.
sometimes i fall. sometimes i rise. today, though home sick today with a sinus infection, i went to my running class, saw my friends, ran with them for a time, then, without a word, pulled away in the twilight, running harder and faster. sometimes i fear. sometimes i believe. sometimes i hurt. sometimes i choose. and sometimes, i run.
Posted by Rob at February 8, 2005 11:57 PM