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ahh, morning
February 16, 2005
get up. shower. cough up massive chunk of bloody, hard phlegm. blow larger bloody chunk of stuff out my right nostril, about 2 cm long, proportioned and shaped somewhat like long island.
stare at icky chunk. decide i have to get the deviated septum fixed this summer, no matter how bad i cringed watching sean fix christian's broken nose on "nip/tuck."
thoughts shift immediately to breakfast. pointless, because i've been eating the same thing every morning for a while now - one slice toast, with peanut butter.
look at blog entry from last night. yick. it won't make sense to a lot of people. not very well written. pull it off the site.
cat and i stand in closet, looking for what i'll wear. choice of shirts is disappointing. i washed some last night, trying to avoid the cost at the cleaners. they are all bunchy and wrinkled. wear the one clean and pressed shirt. it's comfy, nice-looking, but it has a little man on a horse with a stick. it annoys me.
you know, it might not make sense, but it's what i was feeling last night. i'm not happy with things right now. i want something to look forward to, and i'm sort of low on ideas. put the entry back up.
feed the cats, hide and wait for the maintenance guys in the golf cart with the little trailer full of garbage to pull away down the parking lot. dump my garbage at the designated pick-up point, where they'll be annoyed to see it on the return trip. sorry, guys.
another day. i feel better than i did last night, but still anxious, still sort of aimless. today, i got up, to do what i have to do. and i'll go on doing what i gotta do, tomorrow, and the day after that, but something will have to change soon. i have to get the albatross, my stupid lumbering SUV, sold. have to get right financially. have to move the writing in some direction. have to lose weight.
most of these things i have to do myself. for some things, i need some luck, for things to unfold just so. selling the truck and dating are the only two things i've gotten really pessimistic about. it's actually funny, in a way, because those two aggravations parallel each other so much.
opportunities keep arising, but the would-be takers keep failing to pan out for various reasons: not appealing or interesting enough for the cost; too many other choices out there that seem better; nice, but not inspiring or exciting enough; the age and mileage of what i'm selling; poor gas mileage. ok, i'm not sure how "poor gas mileage" relates to my dating appeal, but it seems like it would...
anyway, it's the repeated failures that get harder to deal with and ignore. i don't just get all kerrigan and scream, "why me?" i question myself. i make adjustments. try to improve the look, try to make sure everything works the way it should. try to be positive. try not to try too hard, or to want too much. that's really all i can do. i just wonder how long i can do those things before i'm completely broke, or completely broken.
Posted by Rob at February 16, 2005 09:45 AM
Comments
Hey there Rob,
Buy some stuff called Ayr. It's a saline spray. Snort it often. The salt pulls all of that nasty shit out. It's a good thing. Trust me. I am the Queen of Bad Sinuses. I've even had two surgeries- the first one fixed my deviated septum as much as possible- with the unfortunate post-op complication of a perforation in my septum. yes, a hole. you could probably fit a regular pencil eraser in it. well, not anymore, as i have this weird thing called a "septal button" that plugs up the hole. it still sucks though. i tell everyone it's actually from a raging coke habit. most people don't see the humor in my joke. oh well. i used to be able to make the hole whistle sometimes. great party trick.
oh, and they scraped out my sinuses both times too. it has helped a lot, but be warned... once your sinuses are fucked up, they pretty much stay fucked up to some degree- scar tissue and all from surgery, etc.
good luck selling the suv. good luck with the dating.
i'm considering converting to catholicism and joining a nunnery.
Posted by: Eileen the Jellomonster at February 18, 2005 10:58 AM