who wants pudding?

« you say you want a revolution... | Main | minimalist result of stupid misreading blog of the day »

where i am, part one: 14 miles

January 11, 2005

i'm on an island in a busy intersection,
i can't go forward, now i can't turn back.
can't see the future, it's getting away from me,
i just watch the taillights glowing.
one step closer to knowing...
- u2, one step closer

so, both of you readers know that at last report, i was optimistic about the new year, and i was on a roll with the writing. but the last 10 days or so, i've been off-balance, somehow. i was even in a bit of doubt whether i'd continue doing this.

but tonight, i have some breathing room, i feel good after a run, and i've had a few lager and limes. so, let's recap and see what the hell's going on, here. but for the sake of sanity and the possibility of my getting some sleep tonight after several nights of some fairly tortured dreams, i'ma break it into more easily digested bits.

on the second day of the new year, i ran 14 miles. i had been taunted a few days earlier by a friend who called the half-marathon "a cop-out," and said i should run the full. i think i had never been so angry at her before. i intended to call her on her birthday, which is either new year's eve or new year's day, but i got caught up in things and... forgot. a little unconscious statement?

but, angry as i was, my buttons had been pushed. i thought that maybe i should run the full. then i thought, "screw that," that maybe even the full wasn't such a big deal unless you were one of the elite runners. a lot of people, including my friend, had run full marathons. now, runners are talking about running 50 miles or more.

so, i decided maybe i'd run the 14-mile training run, without my usual kick in the last couple of miles, to see how i felt. if i felt i could imagine running even 6 more miles, i'd go for the full, and just not even tell my naysayer friend about it. if not, i'd stick with the half, and just not even tell my naysayer friend about it.

i met up with running buddy janay at 6:30 sunday morning, at the Runtex Store for Psychotic Running People up at the Gateway shopping center, way up in north austin. it was dark when we left, and because several different training groups were combined, we looked pretty impressive, scores of determined-looking, lightly-clad men and women jogging en masse.

the run was difficult for me. it was relatively warm and humid, i had stupidly gotten only about 4 hours of sleep, and i could just never find a rhythm. had it not been for janay, i surely would have bailed out at some point. as we ran southward, tracking the mopac expressway like it was a river, i kept computing how close i was to potential sanctuaries... richard lives four blocks that way... mike's parents are just a little ways over there, they'd take me in...

but janay kept me talking, just like in the movies, where my character had been shot, and/or had both legs trapped under a massive boulder, and/or was freezing to death, and i'm whining about how cold i feel and how i just want to sleep, and the other character has to try to keep me conscious and talking and not, like, dying and stuff.

about a third of the way through, janay and i were in a pretty deep conversation - she was sharing some stuff, and i wheezed and grunted meaningfully in empathetic response. we had just crossed a bridge over the expressway, and i heard a big v-8 engine wide-open up ahead. about a quarter of a mile up, i saw a huge old cruiser, an old oldsmobile or pontiac or something, crest a small rise in the road.

i suggested we move to the sidewalk, and janay agreed. had there been other runners around, it would be polite and customary to yell "car!", though in this case, "holy shit!" would have been more appropriate. the car, driven by a woman, with one passenger, blasted by us, trailing a fair amount of smoke. the driver looked perfectly calm, as if it were 7:30am on a sunday morning (which it was), and she had a backseat full of groceries.

seconds later, a sheriff's car, followed by two or three austin police squad cars, blasted by. as he approached, the sheriff's deputy pointed ahead, quizzically, and we nodded and jerked our thumbs in affirmation in the direction of the engine noise and trail of smoke.

the starsky and hutch moment, unfortunately, failed to provide an adrenaline kick. my pained plodding continued.

but janay and i made it, ending the run in a light drizzle, though at that point, i, at least, was already soaked in sweat. i normally try to kick into a higher gear in the last mile or two, but on this day, i had nothing. i pushed to finish the last half mile hard, but my strides were heavy, though determined and long.

afterwards, janay and i limped over to magnolia cafe for breakfast. she was able to change shirts. i went to the restroom and wrung out my amazing, high-tech, but nevertheless soaked nike running shirt, then held it under the hand dryer for several minutes.

a little kid, about 7 or 8 years old, came in, and i felt a bit awkward in a small bathroom, without a shirt, with a little kid. i went out to the hallway, and his mother was out there waiting. she was young, maybe in her early twenties, attractive, but beginning to show signs not of age, but of maybe some... accelerated living. we began talking, and she told me about the upcoming custody battle with her ex-husband for her two kids, because he didn't want to pay child support.

the conversation actually lasted for a good 10 to 15 minutes while her son was in the restroom. when he emerged, i wished her luck, and went back in to resume the drying process.

a split-second later, i reemerged, having found the entire room soaked and smelling of urine.

i had an awesome breakfast, and janay drove me back up north to my car. i went home and slept the rest of the day. my feelings were pretty mixed...

i was happy to have completed 14 miles, but disappointed in how difficult it had been for me, unlike the 12 mile run a few weeks earlier. at the same time, having a bad run reminded me that i was still trying to do something that was tough for me. finishing it reminded me that how far i run matters far less than how far i push myself. i'm proud of myself, and of my friends that are doing it. in fact, we've since decided to run both the 3M half on january 30th, and the freescale half on february 13th. i'm thinking of it as one full marathon with a really long pee break.

i felt the rare camaraderie of enduring and accomplishing something with one other person, but i felt the realization that moments of companionship like that have always proven fleeting, and i wondered at what they really meant, at the end of the day when people turn their attentions to more important connections and events to endure.

and, i caught myself once again wondering about the "why" of it all; wondering how much the pushing and the effort, not so much in the running, but in the everyday, would end up meaning; wondering what would ever really change in my life...

Posted by Rob at January 11, 2005 11:29 PM

Comments

Posted by: Sheila at January 12, 2005 12:40 AM

Posted by: Rob at January 12, 2005 12:51 AM

Post a comment

Name:

Email Address:

URL:
Remember Me? YesNo

Comments: