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the year
December 31, 2004
the cats are unconcerned about the impending end, unbothered and apparently unexcited by the impending beginning. by habit, i have a little regret that i'm here alone tonight. but i've opened and poured just one celebratory bottle of harp, annointed it with the lime juice. the new peter gabriel video collection is playing, and i've set it to a song called "the drop."
the song was borne from the idea of preparing to jump from a plane, seeing the clouds below, but not being able to see where you'll land, "no idea where they're going, but down." i suppose every day of life is a bit like that, but what better time to consider it, than tonight?
just like last year, 2004 seems to be a well-defined era of my life. last year was The Rebuilding, the struggles to regain my footing career-wise, to believe in myself and in life again, and even to get back into a sort of physical condition that i could feel good about. i was also struggling to reconnect with the world, and with many of my friends. the course of 2003 was somewhat painful, because so much of what I was doing seemed like just getting by, with no goal in sight. yet, at midnight last new year's eve, i stood alone for a moment in a club slammed with people, and felt the turn being made. i knew this year would be more about being than struggling.
by and large, i was right. i was a different person in 2004, with a vastly different life. still, i didn't make it quite as far as i may have hoped. still haven't changed the world, still haven't even changed my life. still a lawyer. still in an apartment. still struggling from time to time to keep perspective.
a few days ago, i told someone i've never met, but that i consider a friend, that she can't judge herself and her accomplishments and contributions against all that's happening in the world. she can't match herself up against a tsunami, the loss of 120,000 lives. she can't match herself up against genocide, or war. we can each only be expected to match up to and, yeah, exceed to some extent, what can be expected from one individual. and to best do that, we have to match up to our own personal wars, be it interpersonal, emotional, physical, financial, or whatever.
i haven't done as much as this friend, or many of my friends have. i've focused on myself this year, probably so much that i wasted some valuable time and resources along the way. but i've gotten myself almost to the point where i can take the next, bigger steps to be the person i should be, and make the contributions i should make.
a lot has happened. by mid-january, i had lost 20 pounds, and i felt stronger, healthier. i started buying new clothes after that, not only to fit my new shape, but my new outlook. i was more confident, more bold. baggy gave way to fitted, grays and neutrals to reds and blues, the new colors of my imagination and openness to life. i went on tons of dates with some pretty cool people, got published, began writing in earnest for the first time in my life, coached a team of wonderful women to a championship, sang, had an audience rolling with laughter reading a story at the texas book festival. i've renewed friendships once lost, and made new friends that i know are going to be around for a long time.
i began training for a half-marathon, and it's helped me regain my ability to push myself past pain and doubt and fear, to focus, to demand better, attributes i really feared that i'd lost.
there are some things that it would be rude to count, but here are my estimates, without identifiers: 6, 2, 2, 8, 1, 17, and 812, the last of which is probably less than you'd think.
so, for a life, this is all certainly not much, not nearly enough. maybe it's not even enough for a year, but it's something, isn't it? it's momentum, proof of my renewed ability to press on, proof of the value and quality of the people around me, and, of course, proof of the ever-recurring theme, hope.
so, tonight is only an ending because i choose it to be so, and tomorrow a beginning only because i choose it to be so. these choices can be made in any moment, on any day, but like last year, like 355 days, 23 hours and 59 minutes or so ago, the timing just happens to be right, as it probably always is, to continue to demand change in my life, and in me. no resolutions here, but just a continuation of what been begun in my life this last year, with the intent of reaching new goals on the way.
i know i'm not alone in this, either in the experience or in empathy - i wish you all the best luck and love in your own journey from here onward, and thanks for riding shotgun with me this far.
cheers.
Posted by Rob at December 31, 2004 11:59 PM
Comments
I like the comment that any day (or event) is only a beginning or an end because we choose it to be. Nice theme.
Posted by: Jennifer at January 3, 2005 05:26 PM